Well today I learned that I am now down 24 pounds. Of course, if I really pushed I might have lost more but sometimes you just have to celebrate your victories no matter how small they are. As one woman at my meeting reminded me today "That's 24 pounds you never have to see again."
I really love that aspect of Weight Watchers. A group of strangers can come together every week and encourage one another. We all know the struggle of trying to lose weight. We all have different back grounds, different reasons for being there but for 45 minutes of the week we support each other. It's nice to have some solidarity with people who don't know your ins and outs.
On the other hand, talking with someone you love can do wonders too. I had a two hour conversation with my best friend and it felt so wonderful. I've known my beloved Kaity since we were nine and I can always count on her for anything. She's one of those friends who knows you so well and makes every thing in the world feel right, even if it's only for two hours. To me she is superwoman, she can make me laugh, she points out what I need to see and she's just...Kaity. I think if everyone in the world had a friend like her, the world would be in much better shape.
Lately I have felt stuck. Life has been chaotic, but when does it not? My husband's Grandmother passed away in January and now we are in the process of emptying her condo/apartment. She was an amazingly sweet woman, we miss her terribly. She lived into her 90's, an accomplishment that most cannot imagine. It's so sad to go to her apartment and have her not waiting at the door to greet us. We have her radio, her bedroom furniture and so many other beautiful items. Gram had impeccable taste, everything she owned was beautiful, girly and well-made. Even though we are grateful to have the things that she loved, it's a bittersweet feeling. I think we are all still waiting for her to answer the phone, "Oh Hi! Thanks for calling," in her delicate, breathy voice.
Things have been very emotional (obviously). Emotional is tricky for me because my emotions overrule my eating choices. I'm trying to work on that, maybe even work on myself as a person. I'm trying to find out why I always put myself last. Why do I have this need to put others first? Why is it so easy to not take care of myself or love myself like I should? How can I balance caring for other people while caring for myself? I hope I can learn this lesson before it's too late. I think while a quality like this can be admirable it can cause big problems in my life (Kaity words of wisdom). I think I'm in a rut and I'm looking for my way out. I suppose John, Kaity or whoever cannot pull me out. I need to pull myself out. (Easier said than done).
Also, my parents got a solid offer an their house. If things work out, their dreams of moving to Nevada will be happening soon. I am incredibly happy for them. I think this is the best move for them, for many reasons which I cannot go into right now. However, I really will miss them. A part of my life will be over for good once the house belongs to someone else. I'm hoping after all these endings that have been happening in my life some beginnings will be in my future.
*fingers crossed*
3.23.2013
2.06.2013
Two Faced
Today my sister-in-law asked me how I was doing, regarding my WW stuff etc. I had to think about it for a minute.
On one hand I feel pretty awesome. When I see the numbers on the scale go down I feel something stir in the depths of my chest. It's not fear or pain but a kind of peace and the urge to giggle. I can't fully explain how wonderful it is. I smile without thinking. I'm proud of what I have accomplished. I can almost feel my tension release and happiness wash over me. I have clarity and focus on my goals. It is a big bag of emotions. I can't speak for everyone, but those are some of the things I feel when I weigh in. Life feels amazing on those triumphant days. It's validation that all this struggle is not in vain. The right path is so easy to follow.
On the other hand I feel crippling anxiety and sadness. I convince myself each week that I have probably failed. I dread going to the scale and hardly breathe as I wait for my card back. With more success comes more pressure. What if I don't have a good week? What if I gain? What if, What if, What if. I have lived with heartbreak and zero confidence for so long that I almost cling to it so my hopes will not be smashed. The biggest design flaw in us humans is that it is easier to believe the negativity. It's easier to denigrate ourselves rather than believe we are worth it. I have to constantly fight a battle with myself breakfast, lunch, dinner and the time between.
How can I have such extreme feelings at the same time?
Sometimes I think I am a little too intense when I analyze this journey. I don't feel that extreme all the time. If I did I would no doubt need some sort of medication and would not be able to function. However, these emotions are on a permanent loop in my soul and it's exhausting. Some days I really do feel worthless. I feel ugly and stuck. My biggest problem is not always what to eat but how to heal the hurt so I won't eat.
During a conversation with my parents two weeks ago I told them, "Some days it's so simple. It's easy to do what you have to and eat right. Then other days it's just sucks." And it does suck folks. Every once in a while you really just want cheese fries, or whatever it is that your body is screaming for. Are the junk foods really that great? No. Maybe it's the mythical ideal of being "just like everyone else" and ordering that slice of pizza at three in the afternoon. We want to be "normal."
I struggle with this crap everyday. I feel like have done something terribly wrong. I feel embarrassed. It's incredibly hard to admit this. I don't strive to be "normal." I never have. I strive to feel worthy, happy and, honestly, pretty. My husband tells me everyday how beautiful and desirable I am. The sad thing is I never believe him. One day I want to believe him.
So as I think of all these emotions as I compose my text message, I managed to sum it up. This week has been good. I'm nervous about screwing things up and trying not let my low self esteem get the better of me. The saving grace of my life is that I have an out of this world support system. Immediately Sis reminded me that I am awesome, if I fall I can always pick up the pieces and start again and lastly she was always there for me. For now my happy side and sad side have to learn to play nice together. Perhaps in the future I will be one whole being instead of different pieces trying to come together.
On one hand I feel pretty awesome. When I see the numbers on the scale go down I feel something stir in the depths of my chest. It's not fear or pain but a kind of peace and the urge to giggle. I can't fully explain how wonderful it is. I smile without thinking. I'm proud of what I have accomplished. I can almost feel my tension release and happiness wash over me. I have clarity and focus on my goals. It is a big bag of emotions. I can't speak for everyone, but those are some of the things I feel when I weigh in. Life feels amazing on those triumphant days. It's validation that all this struggle is not in vain. The right path is so easy to follow.
On the other hand I feel crippling anxiety and sadness. I convince myself each week that I have probably failed. I dread going to the scale and hardly breathe as I wait for my card back. With more success comes more pressure. What if I don't have a good week? What if I gain? What if, What if, What if. I have lived with heartbreak and zero confidence for so long that I almost cling to it so my hopes will not be smashed. The biggest design flaw in us humans is that it is easier to believe the negativity. It's easier to denigrate ourselves rather than believe we are worth it. I have to constantly fight a battle with myself breakfast, lunch, dinner and the time between.
How can I have such extreme feelings at the same time?
Sometimes I think I am a little too intense when I analyze this journey. I don't feel that extreme all the time. If I did I would no doubt need some sort of medication and would not be able to function. However, these emotions are on a permanent loop in my soul and it's exhausting. Some days I really do feel worthless. I feel ugly and stuck. My biggest problem is not always what to eat but how to heal the hurt so I won't eat.
During a conversation with my parents two weeks ago I told them, "Some days it's so simple. It's easy to do what you have to and eat right. Then other days it's just sucks." And it does suck folks. Every once in a while you really just want cheese fries, or whatever it is that your body is screaming for. Are the junk foods really that great? No. Maybe it's the mythical ideal of being "just like everyone else" and ordering that slice of pizza at three in the afternoon. We want to be "normal."
I struggle with this crap everyday. I feel like have done something terribly wrong. I feel embarrassed. It's incredibly hard to admit this. I don't strive to be "normal." I never have. I strive to feel worthy, happy and, honestly, pretty. My husband tells me everyday how beautiful and desirable I am. The sad thing is I never believe him. One day I want to believe him.
So as I think of all these emotions as I compose my text message, I managed to sum it up. This week has been good. I'm nervous about screwing things up and trying not let my low self esteem get the better of me. The saving grace of my life is that I have an out of this world support system. Immediately Sis reminded me that I am awesome, if I fall I can always pick up the pieces and start again and lastly she was always there for me. For now my happy side and sad side have to learn to play nice together. Perhaps in the future I will be one whole being instead of different pieces trying to come together.
2.02.2013
Happy New Year!
Okay it's February. I've shamefully not kept up with my blogging. Shame on me!
Well, I have some exciting news. This week I have lost 2.8 pounds for a grand total of 21.6!! I can't believe I finally past the 20 pound mark! It feels absolutely wonderful.
I was really dreading going this morning. I always convince myself that I have gained weight. Thanks to my amazing husband for dragging me out of bed and dropping me off at the door. When I try to succumb to my doubt he pushes me up and out the door. Even though I despise early mornings on Saturdays it is a good safeguard for myself. If I go to a Saturday meeting, John will always make sure I follow through, despite my best efforts to persuade him otherwise.
Must run and celebrate now. Here's to a happy weekend!!
Well, I have some exciting news. This week I have lost 2.8 pounds for a grand total of 21.6!! I can't believe I finally past the 20 pound mark! It feels absolutely wonderful.
I was really dreading going this morning. I always convince myself that I have gained weight. Thanks to my amazing husband for dragging me out of bed and dropping me off at the door. When I try to succumb to my doubt he pushes me up and out the door. Even though I despise early mornings on Saturdays it is a good safeguard for myself. If I go to a Saturday meeting, John will always make sure I follow through, despite my best efforts to persuade him otherwise.
Must run and celebrate now. Here's to a happy weekend!!
11.29.2012
Feeling Good.
I lost a pound! After Thanksgiving!!
For once I must be doing something right. Yay for meeeee!
For once I must be doing something right. Yay for meeeee!
11.20.2012
We give thanks.
Well my dears, Thanksgiving is only a mere day away. In many ways it is an awesome holiday. There are no presents to buy. No matter how old you are it is socially acceptable to sit in your pajamas and watch the parade, screaming when your favorite balloon strolls across the screen. We give thanks for the many blessings we have in life, thankful we made it through another year. Best of all, the entire day revolves around a massive feast!
That's the tricky part for us isn't it?
I'm excited to spend time with my family (mostly!), and looking forward to my favorite recipes. Mom makes AMAZING stuffing and to be honest, I could eat that alone and skip the rest and be totally happy. That's what worries me the most! This will be the first year I am actively watching what I eat. I've been saving my extra WW points for the week and have been making contingency plans. For example, instead of eating one of everything I may have to pass on certain items. I may have to choose between stuffing and mashed potatoes (lets face it, no contest! Mom's stuffing wins always). It may seem like a big deal on the day but I know if I don't try to stick with my plan I will only be depressed over the weekend and I really want to avoid all that mess. That's the kicker about this issue. It can feel so great to eat all that crap but later it feels so wrong and awful. It's like being an alcoholic I suppose.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot eat, the power to eat the things that I can and the wisdom to not mess that up...
I wish everyone who is struggling with food a peaceful Thanksgiving. I hope it's a wonderful day for just giving thanks. I hope no one ends up in a food coma, dreaming of apple and pumpkin pies.
On a side note, I'll be making pumpkin bread but I found a recipe that is WW compliant! I'm going to let unsuspecting people sample it and not tell them it's WW. When it's magnificent I'll enjoy watching their eyes pop when I say, "By the way..."
That's the tricky part for us isn't it?
I'm excited to spend time with my family (mostly!), and looking forward to my favorite recipes. Mom makes AMAZING stuffing and to be honest, I could eat that alone and skip the rest and be totally happy. That's what worries me the most! This will be the first year I am actively watching what I eat. I've been saving my extra WW points for the week and have been making contingency plans. For example, instead of eating one of everything I may have to pass on certain items. I may have to choose between stuffing and mashed potatoes (lets face it, no contest! Mom's stuffing wins always). It may seem like a big deal on the day but I know if I don't try to stick with my plan I will only be depressed over the weekend and I really want to avoid all that mess. That's the kicker about this issue. It can feel so great to eat all that crap but later it feels so wrong and awful. It's like being an alcoholic I suppose.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot eat, the power to eat the things that I can and the wisdom to not mess that up...
I wish everyone who is struggling with food a peaceful Thanksgiving. I hope it's a wonderful day for just giving thanks. I hope no one ends up in a food coma, dreaming of apple and pumpkin pies.
On a side note, I'll be making pumpkin bread but I found a recipe that is WW compliant! I'm going to let unsuspecting people sample it and not tell them it's WW. When it's magnificent I'll enjoy watching their eyes pop when I say, "By the way..."
11.18.2012
Back!
After a long hiatus I have decided to go back to Weight Watchers!
This is the first time ever that I have willingly decided to go back. And of course I pick the week of Thanksgiving to do it. That's either the greatest idea or the the absolute worst idea. The jury is still out...
I could write a novel on the reasons why I veered off track and what I've learned from that. But the hell with all that bull crap. I messed up, I let my emotions and food rule my life. Moving on. I tend to dwell on the past too much and when I do I never learn from my mistakes. I usually repeat them.
To celebrate my return to WW, I have decided to cook a new recipe each week. My dear Mom bought this book for me as a present a while ago....
So far I've tried two and they have turned out fabulous. I actually made the recipe that's on the cover and it was a big hit with the husband and his parents. If I can make a recipe from this book each week I think I can show my brain that even though I am tracking what I eat, it can be absolutely delicious. My brain, stomach and I always seem to disagree when it comes to food.
I really want to make it through this time. I am so tired of feeling the way I do.
On tonight's menu is chicken and dumplings! Fingers crossed it comes out lovely!
This is the first time ever that I have willingly decided to go back. And of course I pick the week of Thanksgiving to do it. That's either the greatest idea or the the absolute worst idea. The jury is still out...
I could write a novel on the reasons why I veered off track and what I've learned from that. But the hell with all that bull crap. I messed up, I let my emotions and food rule my life. Moving on. I tend to dwell on the past too much and when I do I never learn from my mistakes. I usually repeat them.
To celebrate my return to WW, I have decided to cook a new recipe each week. My dear Mom bought this book for me as a present a while ago....
So far I've tried two and they have turned out fabulous. I actually made the recipe that's on the cover and it was a big hit with the husband and his parents. If I can make a recipe from this book each week I think I can show my brain that even though I am tracking what I eat, it can be absolutely delicious. My brain, stomach and I always seem to disagree when it comes to food.
I really want to make it through this time. I am so tired of feeling the way I do.
On tonight's menu is chicken and dumplings! Fingers crossed it comes out lovely!
7.08.2012
Moves like Jagger...
Unfortunately I've had to come to terms with the fact that I don't exercise enough, (big surprise). This weekend I've been trying to think of ways I can trick myself into exercising. You know it's a desperate situation when you have to trick your brain.
Friday night the hubs and I were watching one of my favorite movies Billy Elliot. This movie never fails to make me smile. English wit, violent riots and dancing wrapped into one! Billy inspired a genius plan. There's plenty of dancing videos circulating the universe and dance is a fun, musical form of exercise. Not to mention that I love to dance! I found two "Dance off the Inches" (awful names) on Netflix and decided to give them a shot. I had images of loving my new form of exercise racing in my mind as I fell asleep.
Saturday was the day. I was frustrated after learning I gained 0.4 for the week and had a morning of crying to my mother and Johnny. I cleared a space in the living room and made absolutely sure husband would not watch me at all. I fired up the t.v. and had my work out clothes on. (I use the term "work out clothes" very loosely.) The music was cheesy, elevator samba music and of course the leading woman was skinny as anything plus annoyingly chipper. However, I set my judgement aside. This was going to be the day of change. (Insert gleam of the eye.)
This was my expectation:
Aaaaaand this was the reality:
and this:
Oh it was brutal.
It was only my first time trying it but I felt so ridiculous. My feet would not move the way I wanted them to. I'm pretty sure I was just moving any random way I could. I was sweating (which is technically a good thing because it means I was actually doing something) and I kept pausing/rewinding. I managed to get through 30 minutes before I just had enough. John was really proud of me for trying something new but I did not feel proud at all. I felt...well, I'm not totally sure. Moody I suppose. I've known from birth that dance wasn't one of my strongest skills but I didn't really care. I love it even if it doesn't love me but my experiment didn't really end so well. Although I do have to admit that I felt a little energized that afternoon.
Now it's Sunday and I'm starting to understand that it's not about getting the steps right. It's about me getting out of my comfort zone and pushing myself when I normally wouldn't. If I stick with it, who knows where it will lead me? One day of light exercise and I feel Yoda-esque.
I just hope that after a week I will stop looking like this...
Friday night the hubs and I were watching one of my favorite movies Billy Elliot. This movie never fails to make me smile. English wit, violent riots and dancing wrapped into one! Billy inspired a genius plan. There's plenty of dancing videos circulating the universe and dance is a fun, musical form of exercise. Not to mention that I love to dance! I found two "Dance off the Inches" (awful names) on Netflix and decided to give them a shot. I had images of loving my new form of exercise racing in my mind as I fell asleep.
Saturday was the day. I was frustrated after learning I gained 0.4 for the week and had a morning of crying to my mother and Johnny. I cleared a space in the living room and made absolutely sure husband would not watch me at all. I fired up the t.v. and had my work out clothes on. (I use the term "work out clothes" very loosely.) The music was cheesy, elevator samba music and of course the leading woman was skinny as anything plus annoyingly chipper. However, I set my judgement aside. This was going to be the day of change. (Insert gleam of the eye.)
This was my expectation:
Aaaaaand this was the reality:
and this:
Oh it was brutal.
It was only my first time trying it but I felt so ridiculous. My feet would not move the way I wanted them to. I'm pretty sure I was just moving any random way I could. I was sweating (which is technically a good thing because it means I was actually doing something) and I kept pausing/rewinding. I managed to get through 30 minutes before I just had enough. John was really proud of me for trying something new but I did not feel proud at all. I felt...well, I'm not totally sure. Moody I suppose. I've known from birth that dance wasn't one of my strongest skills but I didn't really care. I love it even if it doesn't love me but my experiment didn't really end so well. Although I do have to admit that I felt a little energized that afternoon.
Now it's Sunday and I'm starting to understand that it's not about getting the steps right. It's about me getting out of my comfort zone and pushing myself when I normally wouldn't. If I stick with it, who knows where it will lead me? One day of light exercise and I feel Yoda-esque.
I just hope that after a week I will stop looking like this...
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