For the past year and a half John and I have toyed with the idea of adopting a child. For a while it never seemed like the right time or one of us wasn't quite ready to accept that particular challenge. After all, we are quite young. Despite all that, this idea never truly left my mind.
There are a thousand reasons to have or not have children. I know my Mom would say we are so young and have plenty of time. I'm sure others would not understand my reasons for adoption. John wasn't sure in the beginning if he wanted to explore that route. We've had many (emotional) conversations about this. We've always known kids were in our future. The difficult thing is deciding when the future becomes the present. The idea that our child is out there, waiting for his/her parents to find them tugs at my heartstrings.
Now, there are a lot of things we need to figure out. Finances, my job, where in our teeny house this child will fit! I don't want to wait on these things. Yes, I have a long journey to go with my weight loss. Yes, we have bills and a tiny house. Yes, I just turned 26. Yes, I am completely terrified of giving up my "alone" time with my husband. But these things do not change how I feel.
John and I have been back and forth on this. I think I secretly made a pact with God (even though He and I don't always see eye to eye), I said "Please give me a sign!"
I don't know if He's given me a sign. I know that John said to me on Mother's Day that we should start the process, even if it's just getting more information. For the first time ever, he started searching the wilds of Google for adoption information. Let's just say I was a little nervous to get excited about this.
Today we requested information from two agencies that are affiliated with SWAN (Statewide Adoption and Permanency Network). All I can do now is take a leap of faith. The optimistic, fairy tale believer inside of me says that things will work out in their own time. I anticipate there will be many obstacles and people will not understand. However, if I want this with all my heart then there is nothing that can stop me.
5.15.2013
5.10.2013
Mother Love
This weekend is Mother's Day! I am not a mother yet but I can tell you about the many mothers in my life. It's difficult to describe the many amazing women who have shaped my life into one tiny blog post. However, I have decided to tell you about three of them.
The first is my darling mother-in-law. I am so blessed to have a mother-in-law who is loving, warm and very much my friend. From day one she has welcomed me into her home and family. Whether it was setting an extra dinner plate on the table or remembering to keep a stock of diet soda in the house, Mom has always been so sweet. She introduced me to so many things, like flea markets, antiques and all things cool/vintage. What's more we have a lot in common and tend to like the same styles/things. She got to know me as a person, not just because I was dating her son. She has loved me like a daughter and we have a blast hanging out together. She is always there when we need her, no matter what time of the day or night. I have lost so many people in my life and Mom, along with my father-in-law, healed my heart in many ways. Because of them I have a whole new family to love and to love me in return. John and I are incredibly lucky that our families have happily come together as one.
The second lovely lady is my grandmother. Grandma was a major force in my life. She was just always there for as long as I can remember. I was always at her house, or always tagging along wherever she went. Grandma was a complicated woman but to me she was just Grandma. She loved me and spoiled me rotten. She taught me how to bake, she instilled Irish pride into me, she let me touch the breakable things, and so much more. We would lounge on the beach, watch movies and play house. Unfortunately she passed away 28 days before my 18th birthday. When she died my heart shattered. Eight years later, I am still not over it and I miss her so much. One of the biggest strengths in my life was how much Grandma loved me. She was always so proud that I did well in school and proud of my other achievements. I've loved classic movies and music from a young age and Grandma was always delighted to share the her love of Frank Sinatra or watch Judy Garland and Bette Davis. Grandma did not have favorites but I was very close to her. I hope that, wherever she is, she knows that my life would not have been the same without her. I will love her forever.
The last, and never the least, is my Mother. (No surprise there!) Mommy and I have come a long way. Mom is funny, loving, overprotective, smart, beautiful and crazy. Mom has put me first always. I always had everything I ever wanted (except my size Barbie! LOL). She taught me how to take care of myself, taught me that I am beautiful inside and out, and that I can do whatever I set my mind to. She's showed me how to find laughter through tears. She set rules, made sure I never took a wrong path and was tough when she felt she needed to be. She and I have our differences but now that I am an adult (yes I am one), I have come to realize that everything she does, she does it out of intense Mother love for me. We can laugh at the same things and fight like cats and dogs. However, I know that no matter what happens, or no matter how many times we drive each other crazy, Mom is always there. The simple fact that she loves me more than anything in this world has helped me rise to every challenge. With her I will never be alone. She will always be ready to be the Mama Bear that she is.
Thank you my mothers. Thank you for your wisdom, your laughter, your tears, your strength but above all...thank you for your love.
The first is my darling mother-in-law. I am so blessed to have a mother-in-law who is loving, warm and very much my friend. From day one she has welcomed me into her home and family. Whether it was setting an extra dinner plate on the table or remembering to keep a stock of diet soda in the house, Mom has always been so sweet. She introduced me to so many things, like flea markets, antiques and all things cool/vintage. What's more we have a lot in common and tend to like the same styles/things. She got to know me as a person, not just because I was dating her son. She has loved me like a daughter and we have a blast hanging out together. She is always there when we need her, no matter what time of the day or night. I have lost so many people in my life and Mom, along with my father-in-law, healed my heart in many ways. Because of them I have a whole new family to love and to love me in return. John and I are incredibly lucky that our families have happily come together as one.
The second lovely lady is my grandmother. Grandma was a major force in my life. She was just always there for as long as I can remember. I was always at her house, or always tagging along wherever she went. Grandma was a complicated woman but to me she was just Grandma. She loved me and spoiled me rotten. She taught me how to bake, she instilled Irish pride into me, she let me touch the breakable things, and so much more. We would lounge on the beach, watch movies and play house. Unfortunately she passed away 28 days before my 18th birthday. When she died my heart shattered. Eight years later, I am still not over it and I miss her so much. One of the biggest strengths in my life was how much Grandma loved me. She was always so proud that I did well in school and proud of my other achievements. I've loved classic movies and music from a young age and Grandma was always delighted to share the her love of Frank Sinatra or watch Judy Garland and Bette Davis. Grandma did not have favorites but I was very close to her. I hope that, wherever she is, she knows that my life would not have been the same without her. I will love her forever.
The last, and never the least, is my Mother. (No surprise there!) Mommy and I have come a long way. Mom is funny, loving, overprotective, smart, beautiful and crazy. Mom has put me first always. I always had everything I ever wanted (except my size Barbie! LOL). She taught me how to take care of myself, taught me that I am beautiful inside and out, and that I can do whatever I set my mind to. She's showed me how to find laughter through tears. She set rules, made sure I never took a wrong path and was tough when she felt she needed to be. She and I have our differences but now that I am an adult (yes I am one), I have come to realize that everything she does, she does it out of intense Mother love for me. We can laugh at the same things and fight like cats and dogs. However, I know that no matter what happens, or no matter how many times we drive each other crazy, Mom is always there. The simple fact that she loves me more than anything in this world has helped me rise to every challenge. With her I will never be alone. She will always be ready to be the Mama Bear that she is.
Thank you my mothers. Thank you for your wisdom, your laughter, your tears, your strength but above all...thank you for your love.
5.01.2013
Happy Birthday Baby
Monday was my birthday. I am officially 26!
I usually blog when I'm in a pensive/not-quite-happy mood, so as a change of pace I am going to tell you about my birthday. It was quite delightful.
The festivities started on Saturday. My parents came out and spent most of the day/evening with us. We didn't really go out any where special (besides dinner), but it was nice to hang out. Believe it or not, a good deal of our conversation was devoted to Family Guy. John and I are obsessed with it and lucky for us, so are my parents! I knew my Dad would be but I'm surprised Mom loves it. Usually that type of thing would be something she rolls her eyes over. They also brought out a couple things from home. Some toys, my baby beach chair, and some other cute things. John's parents joined the four of us for dinner and we had a great time. We went to a restaurant called the Perk, a pub-type place. Mom and Dad brought a little cake for afterwards. On a side note, I hate when people sing happy birthday to me. I feel so awkward (in a silly way)!! I never know what to do with myself, so I wind up fidgeting and staring at my hands most of the time. I've felt like that as long as I can remember.
For the actual day I had to work. The birthday gods must have taken pity on me because the phone was not relentless (as Mondays usually are) and we were busy but not insane. The whole day was bearable because my phone was constantly relaying Facebook posts and text messages filled with birthday wishes. I was also so excited for my mystery date! Johnny made reservations at a secret location and would not tell me at all! He took me to a Japanese sushi/hibachi restaurant, Ooka.
It was delicious! I'm not a fan of sushi but I adore hibachi. We had not been to a good place in a looooong while. I had teriyaki chicken, miso soup, salad with ginger dressing- YUM. I also splurged a bit and had sake sangria (also delicious). John had sushi (smoked salmon, eek!) and Ooka tempura (salmon, shrimp, veggies with tempura sauce) and soup/salad. For dessert we decided to be adventurous and chose mochi (rice cake with ice cream). We had two flavors, mint chocolate and white chocolate raspberry.
All in all it was a romantic, exciting evening. That's one of the many lovable things about my husband. He always makes our dates special, especially birthdays/anniversaries/holidays.
Of course no birthday would be complete without presents. No matter how old I get, I can't deny that I love presents. (However, note should be made that I do enjoy giving presents in addition to receiving them. But my birthday is the one day I don't have to worry about other people!) I was spoiled rotten this year! Some highlights were Rosemary's Baby and Moulin Rouge on blu-ray, a gift certificate to my hair salon and Beatles-themed pictures. One of the best was Sex and the City, the complete series! I will now be spending the next few months obsessively watching each episode along with the special features. (Thank you hubby! You will quickly regret this present!)
I originally did not have high hopes for this birthday. It's been a rough couple months and turning 26 did not seem like an exciting thing. However, I was proven wrong. I had a fantastic time. I felt so much love as all my nearest and dearest sent wonderful, beautiful (and in some cases, hilarious) messages. It felt awesome to be happy again. I was reminded that numbers are simply that, they cannot change who you are inside. I was also reminded that I was fabulous and that I am very, very much loved.
I usually blog when I'm in a pensive/not-quite-happy mood, so as a change of pace I am going to tell you about my birthday. It was quite delightful.
The festivities started on Saturday. My parents came out and spent most of the day/evening with us. We didn't really go out any where special (besides dinner), but it was nice to hang out. Believe it or not, a good deal of our conversation was devoted to Family Guy. John and I are obsessed with it and lucky for us, so are my parents! I knew my Dad would be but I'm surprised Mom loves it. Usually that type of thing would be something she rolls her eyes over. They also brought out a couple things from home. Some toys, my baby beach chair, and some other cute things. John's parents joined the four of us for dinner and we had a great time. We went to a restaurant called the Perk, a pub-type place. Mom and Dad brought a little cake for afterwards. On a side note, I hate when people sing happy birthday to me. I feel so awkward (in a silly way)!! I never know what to do with myself, so I wind up fidgeting and staring at my hands most of the time. I've felt like that as long as I can remember.
For the actual day I had to work. The birthday gods must have taken pity on me because the phone was not relentless (as Mondays usually are) and we were busy but not insane. The whole day was bearable because my phone was constantly relaying Facebook posts and text messages filled with birthday wishes. I was also so excited for my mystery date! Johnny made reservations at a secret location and would not tell me at all! He took me to a Japanese sushi/hibachi restaurant, Ooka.
It was delicious! I'm not a fan of sushi but I adore hibachi. We had not been to a good place in a looooong while. I had teriyaki chicken, miso soup, salad with ginger dressing- YUM. I also splurged a bit and had sake sangria (also delicious). John had sushi (smoked salmon, eek!) and Ooka tempura (salmon, shrimp, veggies with tempura sauce) and soup/salad. For dessert we decided to be adventurous and chose mochi (rice cake with ice cream). We had two flavors, mint chocolate and white chocolate raspberry.
All in all it was a romantic, exciting evening. That's one of the many lovable things about my husband. He always makes our dates special, especially birthdays/anniversaries/holidays.
Of course no birthday would be complete without presents. No matter how old I get, I can't deny that I love presents. (However, note should be made that I do enjoy giving presents in addition to receiving them. But my birthday is the one day I don't have to worry about other people!) I was spoiled rotten this year! Some highlights were Rosemary's Baby and Moulin Rouge on blu-ray, a gift certificate to my hair salon and Beatles-themed pictures. One of the best was Sex and the City, the complete series! I will now be spending the next few months obsessively watching each episode along with the special features. (Thank you hubby! You will quickly regret this present!)
I originally did not have high hopes for this birthday. It's been a rough couple months and turning 26 did not seem like an exciting thing. However, I was proven wrong. I had a fantastic time. I felt so much love as all my nearest and dearest sent wonderful, beautiful (and in some cases, hilarious) messages. It felt awesome to be happy again. I was reminded that numbers are simply that, they cannot change who you are inside. I was also reminded that I was fabulous and that I am very, very much loved.
4.21.2013
My Last Week of 25
25 was a slightly odd year for me.
I've been at my job for over a year. All I can really say is that it is a job. I make money to pay bills. I suppose it doesn't get much more meaningful than that.
We tackled a major home renovation and transformed our bedroom into a real room versus a cubby hole. It was exhausting and I thought I would lose my mind in the process but the end product was definietly worth it.
I'm still struggling to lose weight but at least I'm still trying. If I've learned anything this past year, I learned that I'm more motivated than before. (Although some days it's difficult keeping that perspective.)
This year was probably the most difficult for John and I. We've been going through these changes and growing pains (can we still call them growing pains when you're in your twenties?). I know that we still love each other just as much, if not more. I only hope that our life can settle down a bit and we can take more time to enjoy ourselves. Life is passing by so quickly. I would hate to have 30 years pass and the two of us look at each other, wishing we had done more of this and less of that. I hope that we can find peace.
My parents will be moving across the country in a little over a month. It is an exciting yet sad time. My childhood home will be gone. Despite the fact I have not lived in New Jersey for five years, it feels strange that my parents will not be there. I hope they find happiness and fun in their new home.
I thought this might be the year we begin our journey to parenthood but I was proven wrong. I've come to the sobering fact that maybe it will happen next year. I don't have the power to change it and I'm struggling with what that means.
So my last week of being 25 will most likely be ordinary. I will be working. My parents will be coming to visit next weekend and I'm sure John will plan something special for my day. I don't know what the year will bring and I'm really not sure I want to know. Sometimes hoping can be a little painful. Nevertheless, I hope that I can find contentment with my life. I hope that this year something exciting happens.
I must remember to always count my blessings because when all is said and done, my life is really very lovely.
I've been at my job for over a year. All I can really say is that it is a job. I make money to pay bills. I suppose it doesn't get much more meaningful than that.
We tackled a major home renovation and transformed our bedroom into a real room versus a cubby hole. It was exhausting and I thought I would lose my mind in the process but the end product was definietly worth it.
I'm still struggling to lose weight but at least I'm still trying. If I've learned anything this past year, I learned that I'm more motivated than before. (Although some days it's difficult keeping that perspective.)
This year was probably the most difficult for John and I. We've been going through these changes and growing pains (can we still call them growing pains when you're in your twenties?). I know that we still love each other just as much, if not more. I only hope that our life can settle down a bit and we can take more time to enjoy ourselves. Life is passing by so quickly. I would hate to have 30 years pass and the two of us look at each other, wishing we had done more of this and less of that. I hope that we can find peace.
My parents will be moving across the country in a little over a month. It is an exciting yet sad time. My childhood home will be gone. Despite the fact I have not lived in New Jersey for five years, it feels strange that my parents will not be there. I hope they find happiness and fun in their new home.
I thought this might be the year we begin our journey to parenthood but I was proven wrong. I've come to the sobering fact that maybe it will happen next year. I don't have the power to change it and I'm struggling with what that means.
So my last week of being 25 will most likely be ordinary. I will be working. My parents will be coming to visit next weekend and I'm sure John will plan something special for my day. I don't know what the year will bring and I'm really not sure I want to know. Sometimes hoping can be a little painful. Nevertheless, I hope that I can find contentment with my life. I hope that this year something exciting happens.
I must remember to always count my blessings because when all is said and done, my life is really very lovely.
4.14.2013
Sunday
I joined a gym yesterday. This morning will be my first visit! (I didn't partake yesterday because I was all dolled up and didn't want to get sweaty!)
With my particular membership I can get free personal training sessions. (OMG.) That seems a little scary but the idea of getting a personal work out plan is exciting.
I'm a little nervous but excited at the same time. John gets to come with me because I have unlimited guest passes. I'm glad he'll be with me on the first day. (Of course he's in much better shape than I am so it's slightly mortifying.)
Well, here I go!
With my particular membership I can get free personal training sessions. (OMG.) That seems a little scary but the idea of getting a personal work out plan is exciting.
I'm a little nervous but excited at the same time. John gets to come with me because I have unlimited guest passes. I'm glad he'll be with me on the first day. (Of course he's in much better shape than I am so it's slightly mortifying.)
Well, here I go!
3.23.2013
March Madness
Well today I learned that I am now down 24 pounds. Of course, if I really pushed I might have lost more but sometimes you just have to celebrate your victories no matter how small they are. As one woman at my meeting reminded me today "That's 24 pounds you never have to see again."
I really love that aspect of Weight Watchers. A group of strangers can come together every week and encourage one another. We all know the struggle of trying to lose weight. We all have different back grounds, different reasons for being there but for 45 minutes of the week we support each other. It's nice to have some solidarity with people who don't know your ins and outs.
On the other hand, talking with someone you love can do wonders too. I had a two hour conversation with my best friend and it felt so wonderful. I've known my beloved Kaity since we were nine and I can always count on her for anything. She's one of those friends who knows you so well and makes every thing in the world feel right, even if it's only for two hours. To me she is superwoman, she can make me laugh, she points out what I need to see and she's just...Kaity. I think if everyone in the world had a friend like her, the world would be in much better shape.
Lately I have felt stuck. Life has been chaotic, but when does it not? My husband's Grandmother passed away in January and now we are in the process of emptying her condo/apartment. She was an amazingly sweet woman, we miss her terribly. She lived into her 90's, an accomplishment that most cannot imagine. It's so sad to go to her apartment and have her not waiting at the door to greet us. We have her radio, her bedroom furniture and so many other beautiful items. Gram had impeccable taste, everything she owned was beautiful, girly and well-made. Even though we are grateful to have the things that she loved, it's a bittersweet feeling. I think we are all still waiting for her to answer the phone, "Oh Hi! Thanks for calling," in her delicate, breathy voice.
Things have been very emotional (obviously). Emotional is tricky for me because my emotions overrule my eating choices. I'm trying to work on that, maybe even work on myself as a person. I'm trying to find out why I always put myself last. Why do I have this need to put others first? Why is it so easy to not take care of myself or love myself like I should? How can I balance caring for other people while caring for myself? I hope I can learn this lesson before it's too late. I think while a quality like this can be admirable it can cause big problems in my life (Kaity words of wisdom). I think I'm in a rut and I'm looking for my way out. I suppose John, Kaity or whoever cannot pull me out. I need to pull myself out. (Easier said than done).
Also, my parents got a solid offer an their house. If things work out, their dreams of moving to Nevada will be happening soon. I am incredibly happy for them. I think this is the best move for them, for many reasons which I cannot go into right now. However, I really will miss them. A part of my life will be over for good once the house belongs to someone else. I'm hoping after all these endings that have been happening in my life some beginnings will be in my future.
*fingers crossed*
I really love that aspect of Weight Watchers. A group of strangers can come together every week and encourage one another. We all know the struggle of trying to lose weight. We all have different back grounds, different reasons for being there but for 45 minutes of the week we support each other. It's nice to have some solidarity with people who don't know your ins and outs.
On the other hand, talking with someone you love can do wonders too. I had a two hour conversation with my best friend and it felt so wonderful. I've known my beloved Kaity since we were nine and I can always count on her for anything. She's one of those friends who knows you so well and makes every thing in the world feel right, even if it's only for two hours. To me she is superwoman, she can make me laugh, she points out what I need to see and she's just...Kaity. I think if everyone in the world had a friend like her, the world would be in much better shape.
Lately I have felt stuck. Life has been chaotic, but when does it not? My husband's Grandmother passed away in January and now we are in the process of emptying her condo/apartment. She was an amazingly sweet woman, we miss her terribly. She lived into her 90's, an accomplishment that most cannot imagine. It's so sad to go to her apartment and have her not waiting at the door to greet us. We have her radio, her bedroom furniture and so many other beautiful items. Gram had impeccable taste, everything she owned was beautiful, girly and well-made. Even though we are grateful to have the things that she loved, it's a bittersweet feeling. I think we are all still waiting for her to answer the phone, "Oh Hi! Thanks for calling," in her delicate, breathy voice.
Things have been very emotional (obviously). Emotional is tricky for me because my emotions overrule my eating choices. I'm trying to work on that, maybe even work on myself as a person. I'm trying to find out why I always put myself last. Why do I have this need to put others first? Why is it so easy to not take care of myself or love myself like I should? How can I balance caring for other people while caring for myself? I hope I can learn this lesson before it's too late. I think while a quality like this can be admirable it can cause big problems in my life (Kaity words of wisdom). I think I'm in a rut and I'm looking for my way out. I suppose John, Kaity or whoever cannot pull me out. I need to pull myself out. (Easier said than done).
Also, my parents got a solid offer an their house. If things work out, their dreams of moving to Nevada will be happening soon. I am incredibly happy for them. I think this is the best move for them, for many reasons which I cannot go into right now. However, I really will miss them. A part of my life will be over for good once the house belongs to someone else. I'm hoping after all these endings that have been happening in my life some beginnings will be in my future.
*fingers crossed*
2.06.2013
Two Faced
Today my sister-in-law asked me how I was doing, regarding my WW stuff etc. I had to think about it for a minute.
On one hand I feel pretty awesome. When I see the numbers on the scale go down I feel something stir in the depths of my chest. It's not fear or pain but a kind of peace and the urge to giggle. I can't fully explain how wonderful it is. I smile without thinking. I'm proud of what I have accomplished. I can almost feel my tension release and happiness wash over me. I have clarity and focus on my goals. It is a big bag of emotions. I can't speak for everyone, but those are some of the things I feel when I weigh in. Life feels amazing on those triumphant days. It's validation that all this struggle is not in vain. The right path is so easy to follow.
On the other hand I feel crippling anxiety and sadness. I convince myself each week that I have probably failed. I dread going to the scale and hardly breathe as I wait for my card back. With more success comes more pressure. What if I don't have a good week? What if I gain? What if, What if, What if. I have lived with heartbreak and zero confidence for so long that I almost cling to it so my hopes will not be smashed. The biggest design flaw in us humans is that it is easier to believe the negativity. It's easier to denigrate ourselves rather than believe we are worth it. I have to constantly fight a battle with myself breakfast, lunch, dinner and the time between.
How can I have such extreme feelings at the same time?
Sometimes I think I am a little too intense when I analyze this journey. I don't feel that extreme all the time. If I did I would no doubt need some sort of medication and would not be able to function. However, these emotions are on a permanent loop in my soul and it's exhausting. Some days I really do feel worthless. I feel ugly and stuck. My biggest problem is not always what to eat but how to heal the hurt so I won't eat.
During a conversation with my parents two weeks ago I told them, "Some days it's so simple. It's easy to do what you have to and eat right. Then other days it's just sucks." And it does suck folks. Every once in a while you really just want cheese fries, or whatever it is that your body is screaming for. Are the junk foods really that great? No. Maybe it's the mythical ideal of being "just like everyone else" and ordering that slice of pizza at three in the afternoon. We want to be "normal."
I struggle with this crap everyday. I feel like have done something terribly wrong. I feel embarrassed. It's incredibly hard to admit this. I don't strive to be "normal." I never have. I strive to feel worthy, happy and, honestly, pretty. My husband tells me everyday how beautiful and desirable I am. The sad thing is I never believe him. One day I want to believe him.
So as I think of all these emotions as I compose my text message, I managed to sum it up. This week has been good. I'm nervous about screwing things up and trying not let my low self esteem get the better of me. The saving grace of my life is that I have an out of this world support system. Immediately Sis reminded me that I am awesome, if I fall I can always pick up the pieces and start again and lastly she was always there for me. For now my happy side and sad side have to learn to play nice together. Perhaps in the future I will be one whole being instead of different pieces trying to come together.
On one hand I feel pretty awesome. When I see the numbers on the scale go down I feel something stir in the depths of my chest. It's not fear or pain but a kind of peace and the urge to giggle. I can't fully explain how wonderful it is. I smile without thinking. I'm proud of what I have accomplished. I can almost feel my tension release and happiness wash over me. I have clarity and focus on my goals. It is a big bag of emotions. I can't speak for everyone, but those are some of the things I feel when I weigh in. Life feels amazing on those triumphant days. It's validation that all this struggle is not in vain. The right path is so easy to follow.
On the other hand I feel crippling anxiety and sadness. I convince myself each week that I have probably failed. I dread going to the scale and hardly breathe as I wait for my card back. With more success comes more pressure. What if I don't have a good week? What if I gain? What if, What if, What if. I have lived with heartbreak and zero confidence for so long that I almost cling to it so my hopes will not be smashed. The biggest design flaw in us humans is that it is easier to believe the negativity. It's easier to denigrate ourselves rather than believe we are worth it. I have to constantly fight a battle with myself breakfast, lunch, dinner and the time between.
How can I have such extreme feelings at the same time?
Sometimes I think I am a little too intense when I analyze this journey. I don't feel that extreme all the time. If I did I would no doubt need some sort of medication and would not be able to function. However, these emotions are on a permanent loop in my soul and it's exhausting. Some days I really do feel worthless. I feel ugly and stuck. My biggest problem is not always what to eat but how to heal the hurt so I won't eat.
During a conversation with my parents two weeks ago I told them, "Some days it's so simple. It's easy to do what you have to and eat right. Then other days it's just sucks." And it does suck folks. Every once in a while you really just want cheese fries, or whatever it is that your body is screaming for. Are the junk foods really that great? No. Maybe it's the mythical ideal of being "just like everyone else" and ordering that slice of pizza at three in the afternoon. We want to be "normal."
I struggle with this crap everyday. I feel like have done something terribly wrong. I feel embarrassed. It's incredibly hard to admit this. I don't strive to be "normal." I never have. I strive to feel worthy, happy and, honestly, pretty. My husband tells me everyday how beautiful and desirable I am. The sad thing is I never believe him. One day I want to believe him.
So as I think of all these emotions as I compose my text message, I managed to sum it up. This week has been good. I'm nervous about screwing things up and trying not let my low self esteem get the better of me. The saving grace of my life is that I have an out of this world support system. Immediately Sis reminded me that I am awesome, if I fall I can always pick up the pieces and start again and lastly she was always there for me. For now my happy side and sad side have to learn to play nice together. Perhaps in the future I will be one whole being instead of different pieces trying to come together.
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