It seems like such a simple thing to do. Eat right. Exercise. Move on. There are days where it is that simple. It doesn't bother me that I'm on this path. It feels good. This year when I see the diet adds or promos for gyms I don't have that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can confidently say that I am finally doing something. I don't have to lie to myself anymore. I can set myself free.
Because I don't want to lie to myself I have to face the truth. I did this to myself. I let myself get lost over food. I never thought of food as an addiction. I used to scoff and say "Oh, what a cheap excuse." I don't scoff any longer. Food is most certainly an addiction and I found myself at the heart of it. I am not proud of this fact. It's painful and embarrassing. Who the hell gets addicted to food? It sneaks up on you. I knew I was addicted when I counted the number of times I walked into the kitchen to forage for food. I knew I was addicted when I thought of what I ate and how I tried to hide it. I turned to food to cope, to give me happiness when I needed it. I turned to food when I was lonely, angry or bored. It was delicious and satisfying for a short while. It was easier to eat than to stop and do something else. Afterwards I would feel sick with guilt and annoyance. If I had just taken a stand earlier my road would not be as long as it is now. However, it is what it is and I have to accept that. It's not normal to never want to look in a mirror. It's not normal to worry over what people will think when they see you. It's not normal for a 24 year old to be tired all the time. If I didn't stop now, I shudder to think of what the consequences would have been.
I watched "My 600lb Life" on TLC earlier this week. I cried so many times. I am no where near that weight (Thank GOD) but I could relate to certain parts. I can relate to mentally craving junk and practically tasting it, even though you know it's wrong. I can relate to being miserable about how you look and wanting to hide from the world. I know what it's like to see yourself at a large weight from years past and say "Wow I wasn't that fat" because your current weight is the biggest you've ever been. My heart broke a thousand times watching this show. It sounds dramatic, I know. But I'm at this crazy turning point in my life and I'm emotional and admitting things that I tried to push away. After watching this, it hit me like a ton of bricks...
I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
I can get to a place I want to be but I'll have to fight for it every single day. I have to find a balance to maintain so I never have to come to this dark place again. I want to have children, I want to wear my husbands t-shirts as pajamas, I want to feel sexy, I want to walk for hours and not sit down after 15 minutes. Children stick out most in my mind. I'll be 25 this year and my heart keeps whispering that soon I'll want to think about being a mom. I'll be devastated if I can't have children, especially if one of the reasons is self inflicted. I have a hunch that it's not going to be a walk in the park for me and the thought that it might never happen terrifies me.
All of these thoughts are flying around my mind. I can't explain why I'm so determined this time. I don't really know what's making it stick. Maybe I hit my bottom? I always knew in the back of my mind that I had to do something and no one could do it for me. I must have finally woken up. It seems to all fall into place. Four weeks is the longest I've ever gone and the fact that I still don't want to give up makes me feel like this is the real deal. I'll tell you one thing, I never want to see the worry in my family's eyes ever again. That cuts the most. I'm grateful to have a family that loves me that much but it's a soul shattering feeling to hear them cry. My heart drops whenever I hear "I'm so worried about you."
The road still seems long. I don't quite see the horizon but I know it's there. For now that's enough.
Here's to a good week.
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