Spinning Free

"Music washes away from soul the dust of every day life." - Berthold Auerbach.

I first read that quote as a teenager and it has stuck with me ever since. I have always believed music was the perfect salve for my soul. On days like today where my mood is all over the place and I feel like there's an amoeba in my torso freaking out, music helps me cope. It doesn't solve anything. I know that the craziness I feel will have to be dealt with eventually. However, there is a blissful serenity in losing yourself to the strum of a guitar or the sway of a harmonica. The familiar words wash over you and for a moment the world stops. I'm not a musician but I can safely say that I feel the music in my bones.


Maybe the rest of you aren't as fanatical as I am.

Today started out well enough. It was raining all day which never bothers me. The rain is comforting to me. Work was busy but manageable. This coming week is going to be a good one. Much goings on which I will describe later. I think my eating was under some control. I didn't count my points exactly but I didn't eat crap either. I wish I could say that I was nervous about going back to WW this week but I'm not. I know whatever happens I will deal with it. I'm not sure why I feel so blah.

Okay that's a slight lie. I'm having issues accepting the long road ahead. I have a very impulsive nature. This often leads to impatience. I don't mean to be impatient, it just happens. Keeping the strength to push for something so precious is really exhausting. (Husband would probably call me a broken record right about now.) I know what I want and I feel like I've been working my entire life to get it but it's always just out of reach. I want to know why I can't be content with what I have. I'm grateful for all the blessings in my life but there's always a little whisper in my heart that says "what about this?" It changes at the different stages of my life. It was being old enough to drive, then graduating high school, waiting for my boyfriend to propose, then patiently waiting the year and a half for our wedding. Buying a house, finding a job, lose 100 pounds, waiting to afford the ridiculously shiny iPhone. Becoming a mom. Etc. Do we stare so much at the future we can't wait to get to that we forget to live every moment? Am I going to achieve every single thing ever and still wish for more? Am I that selfish?!!

After letting my mind run a couple laps on the crazy track, I decided to turn to music. It works every time. Life seemed to stop spinning and I could get a grip. I think I'm going to trust my heart to fate. If things I dream of are meant to be then they will happen in their own time. I can't control everything and the more I try the more I freak myself out. It goes against my "go with the flow" attitude.

I better charge my iPod. It's going to be a bumpy ride.