For the past year and a half John and I have toyed with the idea of adopting a child. For a while it never seemed like the right time or one of us wasn't quite ready to accept that particular challenge. After all, we are quite young. Despite all that, this idea never truly left my mind.
There are a thousand reasons to have or not have children. I know my Mom would say we are so young and have plenty of time. I'm sure others would not understand my reasons for adoption. John wasn't sure in the beginning if he wanted to explore that route. We've had many (emotional) conversations about this. We've always known kids were in our future. The difficult thing is deciding when the future becomes the present. The idea that our child is out there, waiting for his/her parents to find them tugs at my heartstrings.
Now, there are a lot of things we need to figure out. Finances, my job, where in our teeny house this child will fit! I don't want to wait on these things. Yes, I have a long journey to go with my weight loss. Yes, we have bills and a tiny house. Yes, I just turned 26. Yes, I am completely terrified of giving up my "alone" time with my husband. But these things do not change how I feel.
John and I have been back and forth on this. I think I secretly made a pact with God (even though He and I don't always see eye to eye), I said "Please give me a sign!"
I don't know if He's given me a sign. I know that John said to me on Mother's Day that we should start the process, even if it's just getting more information. For the first time ever, he started searching the wilds of Google for adoption information. Let's just say I was a little nervous to get excited about this.
Today we requested information from two agencies that are affiliated with SWAN (Statewide Adoption and Permanency Network). All I can do now is take a leap of faith. The optimistic, fairy tale believer inside of me says that things will work out in their own time. I anticipate there will be many obstacles and people will not understand. However, if I want this with all my heart then there is nothing that can stop me.
5.15.2013
5.10.2013
Mother Love
This weekend is Mother's Day! I am not a mother yet but I can tell you about the many mothers in my life. It's difficult to describe the many amazing women who have shaped my life into one tiny blog post. However, I have decided to tell you about three of them.
The first is my darling mother-in-law. I am so blessed to have a mother-in-law who is loving, warm and very much my friend. From day one she has welcomed me into her home and family. Whether it was setting an extra dinner plate on the table or remembering to keep a stock of diet soda in the house, Mom has always been so sweet. She introduced me to so many things, like flea markets, antiques and all things cool/vintage. What's more we have a lot in common and tend to like the same styles/things. She got to know me as a person, not just because I was dating her son. She has loved me like a daughter and we have a blast hanging out together. She is always there when we need her, no matter what time of the day or night. I have lost so many people in my life and Mom, along with my father-in-law, healed my heart in many ways. Because of them I have a whole new family to love and to love me in return. John and I are incredibly lucky that our families have happily come together as one.
The second lovely lady is my grandmother. Grandma was a major force in my life. She was just always there for as long as I can remember. I was always at her house, or always tagging along wherever she went. Grandma was a complicated woman but to me she was just Grandma. She loved me and spoiled me rotten. She taught me how to bake, she instilled Irish pride into me, she let me touch the breakable things, and so much more. We would lounge on the beach, watch movies and play house. Unfortunately she passed away 28 days before my 18th birthday. When she died my heart shattered. Eight years later, I am still not over it and I miss her so much. One of the biggest strengths in my life was how much Grandma loved me. She was always so proud that I did well in school and proud of my other achievements. I've loved classic movies and music from a young age and Grandma was always delighted to share the her love of Frank Sinatra or watch Judy Garland and Bette Davis. Grandma did not have favorites but I was very close to her. I hope that, wherever she is, she knows that my life would not have been the same without her. I will love her forever.
The last, and never the least, is my Mother. (No surprise there!) Mommy and I have come a long way. Mom is funny, loving, overprotective, smart, beautiful and crazy. Mom has put me first always. I always had everything I ever wanted (except my size Barbie! LOL). She taught me how to take care of myself, taught me that I am beautiful inside and out, and that I can do whatever I set my mind to. She's showed me how to find laughter through tears. She set rules, made sure I never took a wrong path and was tough when she felt she needed to be. She and I have our differences but now that I am an adult (yes I am one), I have come to realize that everything she does, she does it out of intense Mother love for me. We can laugh at the same things and fight like cats and dogs. However, I know that no matter what happens, or no matter how many times we drive each other crazy, Mom is always there. The simple fact that she loves me more than anything in this world has helped me rise to every challenge. With her I will never be alone. She will always be ready to be the Mama Bear that she is.
Thank you my mothers. Thank you for your wisdom, your laughter, your tears, your strength but above all...thank you for your love.
The first is my darling mother-in-law. I am so blessed to have a mother-in-law who is loving, warm and very much my friend. From day one she has welcomed me into her home and family. Whether it was setting an extra dinner plate on the table or remembering to keep a stock of diet soda in the house, Mom has always been so sweet. She introduced me to so many things, like flea markets, antiques and all things cool/vintage. What's more we have a lot in common and tend to like the same styles/things. She got to know me as a person, not just because I was dating her son. She has loved me like a daughter and we have a blast hanging out together. She is always there when we need her, no matter what time of the day or night. I have lost so many people in my life and Mom, along with my father-in-law, healed my heart in many ways. Because of them I have a whole new family to love and to love me in return. John and I are incredibly lucky that our families have happily come together as one.
The second lovely lady is my grandmother. Grandma was a major force in my life. She was just always there for as long as I can remember. I was always at her house, or always tagging along wherever she went. Grandma was a complicated woman but to me she was just Grandma. She loved me and spoiled me rotten. She taught me how to bake, she instilled Irish pride into me, she let me touch the breakable things, and so much more. We would lounge on the beach, watch movies and play house. Unfortunately she passed away 28 days before my 18th birthday. When she died my heart shattered. Eight years later, I am still not over it and I miss her so much. One of the biggest strengths in my life was how much Grandma loved me. She was always so proud that I did well in school and proud of my other achievements. I've loved classic movies and music from a young age and Grandma was always delighted to share the her love of Frank Sinatra or watch Judy Garland and Bette Davis. Grandma did not have favorites but I was very close to her. I hope that, wherever she is, she knows that my life would not have been the same without her. I will love her forever.
The last, and never the least, is my Mother. (No surprise there!) Mommy and I have come a long way. Mom is funny, loving, overprotective, smart, beautiful and crazy. Mom has put me first always. I always had everything I ever wanted (except my size Barbie! LOL). She taught me how to take care of myself, taught me that I am beautiful inside and out, and that I can do whatever I set my mind to. She's showed me how to find laughter through tears. She set rules, made sure I never took a wrong path and was tough when she felt she needed to be. She and I have our differences but now that I am an adult (yes I am one), I have come to realize that everything she does, she does it out of intense Mother love for me. We can laugh at the same things and fight like cats and dogs. However, I know that no matter what happens, or no matter how many times we drive each other crazy, Mom is always there. The simple fact that she loves me more than anything in this world has helped me rise to every challenge. With her I will never be alone. She will always be ready to be the Mama Bear that she is.
Thank you my mothers. Thank you for your wisdom, your laughter, your tears, your strength but above all...thank you for your love.
5.01.2013
Happy Birthday Baby
Monday was my birthday. I am officially 26!
I usually blog when I'm in a pensive/not-quite-happy mood, so as a change of pace I am going to tell you about my birthday. It was quite delightful.
The festivities started on Saturday. My parents came out and spent most of the day/evening with us. We didn't really go out any where special (besides dinner), but it was nice to hang out. Believe it or not, a good deal of our conversation was devoted to Family Guy. John and I are obsessed with it and lucky for us, so are my parents! I knew my Dad would be but I'm surprised Mom loves it. Usually that type of thing would be something she rolls her eyes over. They also brought out a couple things from home. Some toys, my baby beach chair, and some other cute things. John's parents joined the four of us for dinner and we had a great time. We went to a restaurant called the Perk, a pub-type place. Mom and Dad brought a little cake for afterwards. On a side note, I hate when people sing happy birthday to me. I feel so awkward (in a silly way)!! I never know what to do with myself, so I wind up fidgeting and staring at my hands most of the time. I've felt like that as long as I can remember.
For the actual day I had to work. The birthday gods must have taken pity on me because the phone was not relentless (as Mondays usually are) and we were busy but not insane. The whole day was bearable because my phone was constantly relaying Facebook posts and text messages filled with birthday wishes. I was also so excited for my mystery date! Johnny made reservations at a secret location and would not tell me at all! He took me to a Japanese sushi/hibachi restaurant, Ooka.
It was delicious! I'm not a fan of sushi but I adore hibachi. We had not been to a good place in a looooong while. I had teriyaki chicken, miso soup, salad with ginger dressing- YUM. I also splurged a bit and had sake sangria (also delicious). John had sushi (smoked salmon, eek!) and Ooka tempura (salmon, shrimp, veggies with tempura sauce) and soup/salad. For dessert we decided to be adventurous and chose mochi (rice cake with ice cream). We had two flavors, mint chocolate and white chocolate raspberry.
All in all it was a romantic, exciting evening. That's one of the many lovable things about my husband. He always makes our dates special, especially birthdays/anniversaries/holidays.
Of course no birthday would be complete without presents. No matter how old I get, I can't deny that I love presents. (However, note should be made that I do enjoy giving presents in addition to receiving them. But my birthday is the one day I don't have to worry about other people!) I was spoiled rotten this year! Some highlights were Rosemary's Baby and Moulin Rouge on blu-ray, a gift certificate to my hair salon and Beatles-themed pictures. One of the best was Sex and the City, the complete series! I will now be spending the next few months obsessively watching each episode along with the special features. (Thank you hubby! You will quickly regret this present!)
I originally did not have high hopes for this birthday. It's been a rough couple months and turning 26 did not seem like an exciting thing. However, I was proven wrong. I had a fantastic time. I felt so much love as all my nearest and dearest sent wonderful, beautiful (and in some cases, hilarious) messages. It felt awesome to be happy again. I was reminded that numbers are simply that, they cannot change who you are inside. I was also reminded that I was fabulous and that I am very, very much loved.
I usually blog when I'm in a pensive/not-quite-happy mood, so as a change of pace I am going to tell you about my birthday. It was quite delightful.
The festivities started on Saturday. My parents came out and spent most of the day/evening with us. We didn't really go out any where special (besides dinner), but it was nice to hang out. Believe it or not, a good deal of our conversation was devoted to Family Guy. John and I are obsessed with it and lucky for us, so are my parents! I knew my Dad would be but I'm surprised Mom loves it. Usually that type of thing would be something she rolls her eyes over. They also brought out a couple things from home. Some toys, my baby beach chair, and some other cute things. John's parents joined the four of us for dinner and we had a great time. We went to a restaurant called the Perk, a pub-type place. Mom and Dad brought a little cake for afterwards. On a side note, I hate when people sing happy birthday to me. I feel so awkward (in a silly way)!! I never know what to do with myself, so I wind up fidgeting and staring at my hands most of the time. I've felt like that as long as I can remember.
For the actual day I had to work. The birthday gods must have taken pity on me because the phone was not relentless (as Mondays usually are) and we were busy but not insane. The whole day was bearable because my phone was constantly relaying Facebook posts and text messages filled with birthday wishes. I was also so excited for my mystery date! Johnny made reservations at a secret location and would not tell me at all! He took me to a Japanese sushi/hibachi restaurant, Ooka.
It was delicious! I'm not a fan of sushi but I adore hibachi. We had not been to a good place in a looooong while. I had teriyaki chicken, miso soup, salad with ginger dressing- YUM. I also splurged a bit and had sake sangria (also delicious). John had sushi (smoked salmon, eek!) and Ooka tempura (salmon, shrimp, veggies with tempura sauce) and soup/salad. For dessert we decided to be adventurous and chose mochi (rice cake with ice cream). We had two flavors, mint chocolate and white chocolate raspberry.
All in all it was a romantic, exciting evening. That's one of the many lovable things about my husband. He always makes our dates special, especially birthdays/anniversaries/holidays.
Of course no birthday would be complete without presents. No matter how old I get, I can't deny that I love presents. (However, note should be made that I do enjoy giving presents in addition to receiving them. But my birthday is the one day I don't have to worry about other people!) I was spoiled rotten this year! Some highlights were Rosemary's Baby and Moulin Rouge on blu-ray, a gift certificate to my hair salon and Beatles-themed pictures. One of the best was Sex and the City, the complete series! I will now be spending the next few months obsessively watching each episode along with the special features. (Thank you hubby! You will quickly regret this present!)
I originally did not have high hopes for this birthday. It's been a rough couple months and turning 26 did not seem like an exciting thing. However, I was proven wrong. I had a fantastic time. I felt so much love as all my nearest and dearest sent wonderful, beautiful (and in some cases, hilarious) messages. It felt awesome to be happy again. I was reminded that numbers are simply that, they cannot change who you are inside. I was also reminded that I was fabulous and that I am very, very much loved.
4.21.2013
My Last Week of 25
25 was a slightly odd year for me.
I've been at my job for over a year. All I can really say is that it is a job. I make money to pay bills. I suppose it doesn't get much more meaningful than that.
We tackled a major home renovation and transformed our bedroom into a real room versus a cubby hole. It was exhausting and I thought I would lose my mind in the process but the end product was definietly worth it.
I'm still struggling to lose weight but at least I'm still trying. If I've learned anything this past year, I learned that I'm more motivated than before. (Although some days it's difficult keeping that perspective.)
This year was probably the most difficult for John and I. We've been going through these changes and growing pains (can we still call them growing pains when you're in your twenties?). I know that we still love each other just as much, if not more. I only hope that our life can settle down a bit and we can take more time to enjoy ourselves. Life is passing by so quickly. I would hate to have 30 years pass and the two of us look at each other, wishing we had done more of this and less of that. I hope that we can find peace.
My parents will be moving across the country in a little over a month. It is an exciting yet sad time. My childhood home will be gone. Despite the fact I have not lived in New Jersey for five years, it feels strange that my parents will not be there. I hope they find happiness and fun in their new home.
I thought this might be the year we begin our journey to parenthood but I was proven wrong. I've come to the sobering fact that maybe it will happen next year. I don't have the power to change it and I'm struggling with what that means.
So my last week of being 25 will most likely be ordinary. I will be working. My parents will be coming to visit next weekend and I'm sure John will plan something special for my day. I don't know what the year will bring and I'm really not sure I want to know. Sometimes hoping can be a little painful. Nevertheless, I hope that I can find contentment with my life. I hope that this year something exciting happens.
I must remember to always count my blessings because when all is said and done, my life is really very lovely.
I've been at my job for over a year. All I can really say is that it is a job. I make money to pay bills. I suppose it doesn't get much more meaningful than that.
We tackled a major home renovation and transformed our bedroom into a real room versus a cubby hole. It was exhausting and I thought I would lose my mind in the process but the end product was definietly worth it.
I'm still struggling to lose weight but at least I'm still trying. If I've learned anything this past year, I learned that I'm more motivated than before. (Although some days it's difficult keeping that perspective.)
This year was probably the most difficult for John and I. We've been going through these changes and growing pains (can we still call them growing pains when you're in your twenties?). I know that we still love each other just as much, if not more. I only hope that our life can settle down a bit and we can take more time to enjoy ourselves. Life is passing by so quickly. I would hate to have 30 years pass and the two of us look at each other, wishing we had done more of this and less of that. I hope that we can find peace.
My parents will be moving across the country in a little over a month. It is an exciting yet sad time. My childhood home will be gone. Despite the fact I have not lived in New Jersey for five years, it feels strange that my parents will not be there. I hope they find happiness and fun in their new home.
I thought this might be the year we begin our journey to parenthood but I was proven wrong. I've come to the sobering fact that maybe it will happen next year. I don't have the power to change it and I'm struggling with what that means.
So my last week of being 25 will most likely be ordinary. I will be working. My parents will be coming to visit next weekend and I'm sure John will plan something special for my day. I don't know what the year will bring and I'm really not sure I want to know. Sometimes hoping can be a little painful. Nevertheless, I hope that I can find contentment with my life. I hope that this year something exciting happens.
I must remember to always count my blessings because when all is said and done, my life is really very lovely.
4.14.2013
Sunday
I joined a gym yesterday. This morning will be my first visit! (I didn't partake yesterday because I was all dolled up and didn't want to get sweaty!)
With my particular membership I can get free personal training sessions. (OMG.) That seems a little scary but the idea of getting a personal work out plan is exciting.
I'm a little nervous but excited at the same time. John gets to come with me because I have unlimited guest passes. I'm glad he'll be with me on the first day. (Of course he's in much better shape than I am so it's slightly mortifying.)
Well, here I go!
With my particular membership I can get free personal training sessions. (OMG.) That seems a little scary but the idea of getting a personal work out plan is exciting.
I'm a little nervous but excited at the same time. John gets to come with me because I have unlimited guest passes. I'm glad he'll be with me on the first day. (Of course he's in much better shape than I am so it's slightly mortifying.)
Well, here I go!
3.23.2013
March Madness
Well today I learned that I am now down 24 pounds. Of course, if I really pushed I might have lost more but sometimes you just have to celebrate your victories no matter how small they are. As one woman at my meeting reminded me today "That's 24 pounds you never have to see again."
I really love that aspect of Weight Watchers. A group of strangers can come together every week and encourage one another. We all know the struggle of trying to lose weight. We all have different back grounds, different reasons for being there but for 45 minutes of the week we support each other. It's nice to have some solidarity with people who don't know your ins and outs.
On the other hand, talking with someone you love can do wonders too. I had a two hour conversation with my best friend and it felt so wonderful. I've known my beloved Kaity since we were nine and I can always count on her for anything. She's one of those friends who knows you so well and makes every thing in the world feel right, even if it's only for two hours. To me she is superwoman, she can make me laugh, she points out what I need to see and she's just...Kaity. I think if everyone in the world had a friend like her, the world would be in much better shape.
Lately I have felt stuck. Life has been chaotic, but when does it not? My husband's Grandmother passed away in January and now we are in the process of emptying her condo/apartment. She was an amazingly sweet woman, we miss her terribly. She lived into her 90's, an accomplishment that most cannot imagine. It's so sad to go to her apartment and have her not waiting at the door to greet us. We have her radio, her bedroom furniture and so many other beautiful items. Gram had impeccable taste, everything she owned was beautiful, girly and well-made. Even though we are grateful to have the things that she loved, it's a bittersweet feeling. I think we are all still waiting for her to answer the phone, "Oh Hi! Thanks for calling," in her delicate, breathy voice.
Things have been very emotional (obviously). Emotional is tricky for me because my emotions overrule my eating choices. I'm trying to work on that, maybe even work on myself as a person. I'm trying to find out why I always put myself last. Why do I have this need to put others first? Why is it so easy to not take care of myself or love myself like I should? How can I balance caring for other people while caring for myself? I hope I can learn this lesson before it's too late. I think while a quality like this can be admirable it can cause big problems in my life (Kaity words of wisdom). I think I'm in a rut and I'm looking for my way out. I suppose John, Kaity or whoever cannot pull me out. I need to pull myself out. (Easier said than done).
Also, my parents got a solid offer an their house. If things work out, their dreams of moving to Nevada will be happening soon. I am incredibly happy for them. I think this is the best move for them, for many reasons which I cannot go into right now. However, I really will miss them. A part of my life will be over for good once the house belongs to someone else. I'm hoping after all these endings that have been happening in my life some beginnings will be in my future.
*fingers crossed*
I really love that aspect of Weight Watchers. A group of strangers can come together every week and encourage one another. We all know the struggle of trying to lose weight. We all have different back grounds, different reasons for being there but for 45 minutes of the week we support each other. It's nice to have some solidarity with people who don't know your ins and outs.
On the other hand, talking with someone you love can do wonders too. I had a two hour conversation with my best friend and it felt so wonderful. I've known my beloved Kaity since we were nine and I can always count on her for anything. She's one of those friends who knows you so well and makes every thing in the world feel right, even if it's only for two hours. To me she is superwoman, she can make me laugh, she points out what I need to see and she's just...Kaity. I think if everyone in the world had a friend like her, the world would be in much better shape.
Lately I have felt stuck. Life has been chaotic, but when does it not? My husband's Grandmother passed away in January and now we are in the process of emptying her condo/apartment. She was an amazingly sweet woman, we miss her terribly. She lived into her 90's, an accomplishment that most cannot imagine. It's so sad to go to her apartment and have her not waiting at the door to greet us. We have her radio, her bedroom furniture and so many other beautiful items. Gram had impeccable taste, everything she owned was beautiful, girly and well-made. Even though we are grateful to have the things that she loved, it's a bittersweet feeling. I think we are all still waiting for her to answer the phone, "Oh Hi! Thanks for calling," in her delicate, breathy voice.
Things have been very emotional (obviously). Emotional is tricky for me because my emotions overrule my eating choices. I'm trying to work on that, maybe even work on myself as a person. I'm trying to find out why I always put myself last. Why do I have this need to put others first? Why is it so easy to not take care of myself or love myself like I should? How can I balance caring for other people while caring for myself? I hope I can learn this lesson before it's too late. I think while a quality like this can be admirable it can cause big problems in my life (Kaity words of wisdom). I think I'm in a rut and I'm looking for my way out. I suppose John, Kaity or whoever cannot pull me out. I need to pull myself out. (Easier said than done).
Also, my parents got a solid offer an their house. If things work out, their dreams of moving to Nevada will be happening soon. I am incredibly happy for them. I think this is the best move for them, for many reasons which I cannot go into right now. However, I really will miss them. A part of my life will be over for good once the house belongs to someone else. I'm hoping after all these endings that have been happening in my life some beginnings will be in my future.
*fingers crossed*
2.06.2013
Two Faced
Today my sister-in-law asked me how I was doing, regarding my WW stuff etc. I had to think about it for a minute.
On one hand I feel pretty awesome. When I see the numbers on the scale go down I feel something stir in the depths of my chest. It's not fear or pain but a kind of peace and the urge to giggle. I can't fully explain how wonderful it is. I smile without thinking. I'm proud of what I have accomplished. I can almost feel my tension release and happiness wash over me. I have clarity and focus on my goals. It is a big bag of emotions. I can't speak for everyone, but those are some of the things I feel when I weigh in. Life feels amazing on those triumphant days. It's validation that all this struggle is not in vain. The right path is so easy to follow.
On the other hand I feel crippling anxiety and sadness. I convince myself each week that I have probably failed. I dread going to the scale and hardly breathe as I wait for my card back. With more success comes more pressure. What if I don't have a good week? What if I gain? What if, What if, What if. I have lived with heartbreak and zero confidence for so long that I almost cling to it so my hopes will not be smashed. The biggest design flaw in us humans is that it is easier to believe the negativity. It's easier to denigrate ourselves rather than believe we are worth it. I have to constantly fight a battle with myself breakfast, lunch, dinner and the time between.
How can I have such extreme feelings at the same time?
Sometimes I think I am a little too intense when I analyze this journey. I don't feel that extreme all the time. If I did I would no doubt need some sort of medication and would not be able to function. However, these emotions are on a permanent loop in my soul and it's exhausting. Some days I really do feel worthless. I feel ugly and stuck. My biggest problem is not always what to eat but how to heal the hurt so I won't eat.
During a conversation with my parents two weeks ago I told them, "Some days it's so simple. It's easy to do what you have to and eat right. Then other days it's just sucks." And it does suck folks. Every once in a while you really just want cheese fries, or whatever it is that your body is screaming for. Are the junk foods really that great? No. Maybe it's the mythical ideal of being "just like everyone else" and ordering that slice of pizza at three in the afternoon. We want to be "normal."
I struggle with this crap everyday. I feel like have done something terribly wrong. I feel embarrassed. It's incredibly hard to admit this. I don't strive to be "normal." I never have. I strive to feel worthy, happy and, honestly, pretty. My husband tells me everyday how beautiful and desirable I am. The sad thing is I never believe him. One day I want to believe him.
So as I think of all these emotions as I compose my text message, I managed to sum it up. This week has been good. I'm nervous about screwing things up and trying not let my low self esteem get the better of me. The saving grace of my life is that I have an out of this world support system. Immediately Sis reminded me that I am awesome, if I fall I can always pick up the pieces and start again and lastly she was always there for me. For now my happy side and sad side have to learn to play nice together. Perhaps in the future I will be one whole being instead of different pieces trying to come together.
On one hand I feel pretty awesome. When I see the numbers on the scale go down I feel something stir in the depths of my chest. It's not fear or pain but a kind of peace and the urge to giggle. I can't fully explain how wonderful it is. I smile without thinking. I'm proud of what I have accomplished. I can almost feel my tension release and happiness wash over me. I have clarity and focus on my goals. It is a big bag of emotions. I can't speak for everyone, but those are some of the things I feel when I weigh in. Life feels amazing on those triumphant days. It's validation that all this struggle is not in vain. The right path is so easy to follow.
On the other hand I feel crippling anxiety and sadness. I convince myself each week that I have probably failed. I dread going to the scale and hardly breathe as I wait for my card back. With more success comes more pressure. What if I don't have a good week? What if I gain? What if, What if, What if. I have lived with heartbreak and zero confidence for so long that I almost cling to it so my hopes will not be smashed. The biggest design flaw in us humans is that it is easier to believe the negativity. It's easier to denigrate ourselves rather than believe we are worth it. I have to constantly fight a battle with myself breakfast, lunch, dinner and the time between.
How can I have such extreme feelings at the same time?
Sometimes I think I am a little too intense when I analyze this journey. I don't feel that extreme all the time. If I did I would no doubt need some sort of medication and would not be able to function. However, these emotions are on a permanent loop in my soul and it's exhausting. Some days I really do feel worthless. I feel ugly and stuck. My biggest problem is not always what to eat but how to heal the hurt so I won't eat.
During a conversation with my parents two weeks ago I told them, "Some days it's so simple. It's easy to do what you have to and eat right. Then other days it's just sucks." And it does suck folks. Every once in a while you really just want cheese fries, or whatever it is that your body is screaming for. Are the junk foods really that great? No. Maybe it's the mythical ideal of being "just like everyone else" and ordering that slice of pizza at three in the afternoon. We want to be "normal."
I struggle with this crap everyday. I feel like have done something terribly wrong. I feel embarrassed. It's incredibly hard to admit this. I don't strive to be "normal." I never have. I strive to feel worthy, happy and, honestly, pretty. My husband tells me everyday how beautiful and desirable I am. The sad thing is I never believe him. One day I want to believe him.
So as I think of all these emotions as I compose my text message, I managed to sum it up. This week has been good. I'm nervous about screwing things up and trying not let my low self esteem get the better of me. The saving grace of my life is that I have an out of this world support system. Immediately Sis reminded me that I am awesome, if I fall I can always pick up the pieces and start again and lastly she was always there for me. For now my happy side and sad side have to learn to play nice together. Perhaps in the future I will be one whole being instead of different pieces trying to come together.
2.02.2013
Happy New Year!
Okay it's February. I've shamefully not kept up with my blogging. Shame on me!
Well, I have some exciting news. This week I have lost 2.8 pounds for a grand total of 21.6!! I can't believe I finally past the 20 pound mark! It feels absolutely wonderful.
I was really dreading going this morning. I always convince myself that I have gained weight. Thanks to my amazing husband for dragging me out of bed and dropping me off at the door. When I try to succumb to my doubt he pushes me up and out the door. Even though I despise early mornings on Saturdays it is a good safeguard for myself. If I go to a Saturday meeting, John will always make sure I follow through, despite my best efforts to persuade him otherwise.
Must run and celebrate now. Here's to a happy weekend!!
Well, I have some exciting news. This week I have lost 2.8 pounds for a grand total of 21.6!! I can't believe I finally past the 20 pound mark! It feels absolutely wonderful.
I was really dreading going this morning. I always convince myself that I have gained weight. Thanks to my amazing husband for dragging me out of bed and dropping me off at the door. When I try to succumb to my doubt he pushes me up and out the door. Even though I despise early mornings on Saturdays it is a good safeguard for myself. If I go to a Saturday meeting, John will always make sure I follow through, despite my best efforts to persuade him otherwise.
Must run and celebrate now. Here's to a happy weekend!!
11.29.2012
Feeling Good.
I lost a pound! After Thanksgiving!!
For once I must be doing something right. Yay for meeeee!
For once I must be doing something right. Yay for meeeee!
11.20.2012
We give thanks.
Well my dears, Thanksgiving is only a mere day away. In many ways it is an awesome holiday. There are no presents to buy. No matter how old you are it is socially acceptable to sit in your pajamas and watch the parade, screaming when your favorite balloon strolls across the screen. We give thanks for the many blessings we have in life, thankful we made it through another year. Best of all, the entire day revolves around a massive feast!
That's the tricky part for us isn't it?
I'm excited to spend time with my family (mostly!), and looking forward to my favorite recipes. Mom makes AMAZING stuffing and to be honest, I could eat that alone and skip the rest and be totally happy. That's what worries me the most! This will be the first year I am actively watching what I eat. I've been saving my extra WW points for the week and have been making contingency plans. For example, instead of eating one of everything I may have to pass on certain items. I may have to choose between stuffing and mashed potatoes (lets face it, no contest! Mom's stuffing wins always). It may seem like a big deal on the day but I know if I don't try to stick with my plan I will only be depressed over the weekend and I really want to avoid all that mess. That's the kicker about this issue. It can feel so great to eat all that crap but later it feels so wrong and awful. It's like being an alcoholic I suppose.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot eat, the power to eat the things that I can and the wisdom to not mess that up...
I wish everyone who is struggling with food a peaceful Thanksgiving. I hope it's a wonderful day for just giving thanks. I hope no one ends up in a food coma, dreaming of apple and pumpkin pies.
On a side note, I'll be making pumpkin bread but I found a recipe that is WW compliant! I'm going to let unsuspecting people sample it and not tell them it's WW. When it's magnificent I'll enjoy watching their eyes pop when I say, "By the way..."
That's the tricky part for us isn't it?
I'm excited to spend time with my family (mostly!), and looking forward to my favorite recipes. Mom makes AMAZING stuffing and to be honest, I could eat that alone and skip the rest and be totally happy. That's what worries me the most! This will be the first year I am actively watching what I eat. I've been saving my extra WW points for the week and have been making contingency plans. For example, instead of eating one of everything I may have to pass on certain items. I may have to choose between stuffing and mashed potatoes (lets face it, no contest! Mom's stuffing wins always). It may seem like a big deal on the day but I know if I don't try to stick with my plan I will only be depressed over the weekend and I really want to avoid all that mess. That's the kicker about this issue. It can feel so great to eat all that crap but later it feels so wrong and awful. It's like being an alcoholic I suppose.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot eat, the power to eat the things that I can and the wisdom to not mess that up...
I wish everyone who is struggling with food a peaceful Thanksgiving. I hope it's a wonderful day for just giving thanks. I hope no one ends up in a food coma, dreaming of apple and pumpkin pies.
On a side note, I'll be making pumpkin bread but I found a recipe that is WW compliant! I'm going to let unsuspecting people sample it and not tell them it's WW. When it's magnificent I'll enjoy watching their eyes pop when I say, "By the way..."
11.18.2012
Back!
After a long hiatus I have decided to go back to Weight Watchers!
This is the first time ever that I have willingly decided to go back. And of course I pick the week of Thanksgiving to do it. That's either the greatest idea or the the absolute worst idea. The jury is still out...
I could write a novel on the reasons why I veered off track and what I've learned from that. But the hell with all that bull crap. I messed up, I let my emotions and food rule my life. Moving on. I tend to dwell on the past too much and when I do I never learn from my mistakes. I usually repeat them.
To celebrate my return to WW, I have decided to cook a new recipe each week. My dear Mom bought this book for me as a present a while ago....
So far I've tried two and they have turned out fabulous. I actually made the recipe that's on the cover and it was a big hit with the husband and his parents. If I can make a recipe from this book each week I think I can show my brain that even though I am tracking what I eat, it can be absolutely delicious. My brain, stomach and I always seem to disagree when it comes to food.
I really want to make it through this time. I am so tired of feeling the way I do.
On tonight's menu is chicken and dumplings! Fingers crossed it comes out lovely!
This is the first time ever that I have willingly decided to go back. And of course I pick the week of Thanksgiving to do it. That's either the greatest idea or the the absolute worst idea. The jury is still out...
I could write a novel on the reasons why I veered off track and what I've learned from that. But the hell with all that bull crap. I messed up, I let my emotions and food rule my life. Moving on. I tend to dwell on the past too much and when I do I never learn from my mistakes. I usually repeat them.
To celebrate my return to WW, I have decided to cook a new recipe each week. My dear Mom bought this book for me as a present a while ago....
So far I've tried two and they have turned out fabulous. I actually made the recipe that's on the cover and it was a big hit with the husband and his parents. If I can make a recipe from this book each week I think I can show my brain that even though I am tracking what I eat, it can be absolutely delicious. My brain, stomach and I always seem to disagree when it comes to food.
I really want to make it through this time. I am so tired of feeling the way I do.
On tonight's menu is chicken and dumplings! Fingers crossed it comes out lovely!
7.08.2012
Moves like Jagger...
Unfortunately I've had to come to terms with the fact that I don't exercise enough, (big surprise). This weekend I've been trying to think of ways I can trick myself into exercising. You know it's a desperate situation when you have to trick your brain.
Friday night the hubs and I were watching one of my favorite movies Billy Elliot. This movie never fails to make me smile. English wit, violent riots and dancing wrapped into one! Billy inspired a genius plan. There's plenty of dancing videos circulating the universe and dance is a fun, musical form of exercise. Not to mention that I love to dance! I found two "Dance off the Inches" (awful names) on Netflix and decided to give them a shot. I had images of loving my new form of exercise racing in my mind as I fell asleep.
Saturday was the day. I was frustrated after learning I gained 0.4 for the week and had a morning of crying to my mother and Johnny. I cleared a space in the living room and made absolutely sure husband would not watch me at all. I fired up the t.v. and had my work out clothes on. (I use the term "work out clothes" very loosely.) The music was cheesy, elevator samba music and of course the leading woman was skinny as anything plus annoyingly chipper. However, I set my judgement aside. This was going to be the day of change. (Insert gleam of the eye.)
This was my expectation:
Aaaaaand this was the reality:
and this:
Oh it was brutal.
It was only my first time trying it but I felt so ridiculous. My feet would not move the way I wanted them to. I'm pretty sure I was just moving any random way I could. I was sweating (which is technically a good thing because it means I was actually doing something) and I kept pausing/rewinding. I managed to get through 30 minutes before I just had enough. John was really proud of me for trying something new but I did not feel proud at all. I felt...well, I'm not totally sure. Moody I suppose. I've known from birth that dance wasn't one of my strongest skills but I didn't really care. I love it even if it doesn't love me but my experiment didn't really end so well. Although I do have to admit that I felt a little energized that afternoon.
Now it's Sunday and I'm starting to understand that it's not about getting the steps right. It's about me getting out of my comfort zone and pushing myself when I normally wouldn't. If I stick with it, who knows where it will lead me? One day of light exercise and I feel Yoda-esque.
I just hope that after a week I will stop looking like this...
Friday night the hubs and I were watching one of my favorite movies Billy Elliot. This movie never fails to make me smile. English wit, violent riots and dancing wrapped into one! Billy inspired a genius plan. There's plenty of dancing videos circulating the universe and dance is a fun, musical form of exercise. Not to mention that I love to dance! I found two "Dance off the Inches" (awful names) on Netflix and decided to give them a shot. I had images of loving my new form of exercise racing in my mind as I fell asleep.
Saturday was the day. I was frustrated after learning I gained 0.4 for the week and had a morning of crying to my mother and Johnny. I cleared a space in the living room and made absolutely sure husband would not watch me at all. I fired up the t.v. and had my work out clothes on. (I use the term "work out clothes" very loosely.) The music was cheesy, elevator samba music and of course the leading woman was skinny as anything plus annoyingly chipper. However, I set my judgement aside. This was going to be the day of change. (Insert gleam of the eye.)
This was my expectation:
Aaaaaand this was the reality:
and this:
Oh it was brutal.
It was only my first time trying it but I felt so ridiculous. My feet would not move the way I wanted them to. I'm pretty sure I was just moving any random way I could. I was sweating (which is technically a good thing because it means I was actually doing something) and I kept pausing/rewinding. I managed to get through 30 minutes before I just had enough. John was really proud of me for trying something new but I did not feel proud at all. I felt...well, I'm not totally sure. Moody I suppose. I've known from birth that dance wasn't one of my strongest skills but I didn't really care. I love it even if it doesn't love me but my experiment didn't really end so well. Although I do have to admit that I felt a little energized that afternoon.
Now it's Sunday and I'm starting to understand that it's not about getting the steps right. It's about me getting out of my comfort zone and pushing myself when I normally wouldn't. If I stick with it, who knows where it will lead me? One day of light exercise and I feel Yoda-esque.
I just hope that after a week I will stop looking like this...
6.05.2012
Take these broken wings and learn to fly....
I love the song "Blackbird" by my buddies the Beatles. "Take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life you were only waiting for this moment to arrive."
Don't we all feel that way a bit? I think every person at one point of time feels like they have broken wings. Some days it seems like these wings will never fly again. Trying to put my struggles into perspective leads me to believe that "broken" is a very strong word.
Today was strange. It wasn't a nightmare but it wasn't a happy day either. I really was struggling with not eating whatever I could forage from the kitchen. There were some big stresses today and I just didn't want to deal with them. I can't really explain what I was dealing with here. A lot of it wasn't my own stress but trying to be there for someone who is also struggling with change. It's not easy to be strong for others when you feel like you can't even be that for yourself. When you play around with a mood like that for long enough, it's inevitable you get to a pretty self-pitying place.
"I'm broken." That's what we want to think. We want to believe that we'll never change, we are these cracked shells that can never be whole. I felt like a failure. I want to be wonder woman and fix everything. I want to protect my loved ones, be super strong and make awesome decisions. I definitely wasn't wonder woman today and I just wanted to cry. When I feel like a failure I just want to eat. And eat. And eat.
However, I managed to (sort of) pull it together.
I work in the medical field. I see a range of people who deal with a plethora of issues. I've seen people who are truly broken and will never have the life I have. I've seen people who have serious conditions and manage to be the most pleasant patients you will ever meet. It's so easy to be consumed by our own problems that we forget that there are worse things in the world.
I know you are probably rolling your eyes at the slightly cheesy sentiment but sometimes the cheesiest of messages are nothing but true. It's late on a Tuesday to be philosophical but humor me this once will you?
I'm really nervous to go to WW tomorrow but part of life is facing fears. If I can face my fear than maybe someone else can do the same. One of the best things we can do is lead by good example. Some times it's the only thing we can do. I once read that success was built on failure, frustration and catastrophe. If that is true than I am in for really mind blowing success.
Keep flying.
*Note*
Shout out to my sister for encouraging text messages.
To the person who is also having a hard time dealing. We'll make it through, I promise.
Don't we all feel that way a bit? I think every person at one point of time feels like they have broken wings. Some days it seems like these wings will never fly again. Trying to put my struggles into perspective leads me to believe that "broken" is a very strong word.
Today was strange. It wasn't a nightmare but it wasn't a happy day either. I really was struggling with not eating whatever I could forage from the kitchen. There were some big stresses today and I just didn't want to deal with them. I can't really explain what I was dealing with here. A lot of it wasn't my own stress but trying to be there for someone who is also struggling with change. It's not easy to be strong for others when you feel like you can't even be that for yourself. When you play around with a mood like that for long enough, it's inevitable you get to a pretty self-pitying place.
"I'm broken." That's what we want to think. We want to believe that we'll never change, we are these cracked shells that can never be whole. I felt like a failure. I want to be wonder woman and fix everything. I want to protect my loved ones, be super strong and make awesome decisions. I definitely wasn't wonder woman today and I just wanted to cry. When I feel like a failure I just want to eat. And eat. And eat.
However, I managed to (sort of) pull it together.
I work in the medical field. I see a range of people who deal with a plethora of issues. I've seen people who are truly broken and will never have the life I have. I've seen people who have serious conditions and manage to be the most pleasant patients you will ever meet. It's so easy to be consumed by our own problems that we forget that there are worse things in the world.
I know you are probably rolling your eyes at the slightly cheesy sentiment but sometimes the cheesiest of messages are nothing but true. It's late on a Tuesday to be philosophical but humor me this once will you?
I'm really nervous to go to WW tomorrow but part of life is facing fears. If I can face my fear than maybe someone else can do the same. One of the best things we can do is lead by good example. Some times it's the only thing we can do. I once read that success was built on failure, frustration and catastrophe. If that is true than I am in for really mind blowing success.
Keep flying.
*Note*
Shout out to my sister for encouraging text messages.
To the person who is also having a hard time dealing. We'll make it through, I promise.
4.25.2012
Lust for Life
I'm so glad I went back to WW today. I was tempted to run away because I was convinced I had gained 5 pounds.
I had lost 2.2 pounds for a total of 18.6.
Pays not to run like a coward, am I right?!
Today I am going to listen to Iggy Pop and dance shamelessly. I think I deserve it.
I had lost 2.2 pounds for a total of 18.6.
Pays not to run like a coward, am I right?!
Today I am going to listen to Iggy Pop and dance shamelessly. I think I deserve it.
4.23.2012
Spinning Free
"Music washes away from soul the dust of every day life." - Berthold Auerbach.
I first read that quote as a teenager and it has stuck with me ever since. I have always believed music was the perfect salve for my soul. On days like today where my mood is all over the place and I feel like there's an amoeba in my torso freaking out, music helps me cope. It doesn't solve anything. I know that the craziness I feel will have to be dealt with eventually. However, there is a blissful serenity in losing yourself to the strum of a guitar or the sway of a harmonica. The familiar words wash over you and for a moment the world stops. I'm not a musician but I can safely say that I feel the music in my bones.
Maybe the rest of you aren't as fanatical as I am.
Today started out well enough. It was raining all day which never bothers me. The rain is comforting to me. Work was busy but manageable. This coming week is going to be a good one. Much goings on which I will describe later. I think my eating was under some control. I didn't count my points exactly but I didn't eat crap either. I wish I could say that I was nervous about going back to WW this week but I'm not. I know whatever happens I will deal with it. I'm not sure why I feel so blah.
Okay that's a slight lie. I'm having issues accepting the long road ahead. I have a very impulsive nature. This often leads to impatience. I don't mean to be impatient, it just happens. Keeping the strength to push for something so precious is really exhausting. (Husband would probably call me a broken record right about now.) I know what I want and I feel like I've been working my entire life to get it but it's always just out of reach. I want to know why I can't be content with what I have. I'm grateful for all the blessings in my life but there's always a little whisper in my heart that says "what about this?" It changes at the different stages of my life. It was being old enough to drive, then graduating high school, waiting for my boyfriend to propose, then patiently waiting the year and a half for our wedding. Buying a house, finding a job, lose 100 pounds, waiting to afford the ridiculously shiny iPhone. Becoming a mom. Etc. Do we stare so much at the future we can't wait to get to that we forget to live every moment? Am I going to achieve every single thing ever and still wish for more? Am I that selfish?!!
After letting my mind run a couple laps on the crazy track, I decided to turn to music. It works every time. Life seemed to stop spinning and I could get a grip. I think I'm going to trust my heart to fate. If things I dream of are meant to be then they will happen in their own time. I can't control everything and the more I try the more I freak myself out. It goes against my "go with the flow" attitude.
I better charge my iPod. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
I first read that quote as a teenager and it has stuck with me ever since. I have always believed music was the perfect salve for my soul. On days like today where my mood is all over the place and I feel like there's an amoeba in my torso freaking out, music helps me cope. It doesn't solve anything. I know that the craziness I feel will have to be dealt with eventually. However, there is a blissful serenity in losing yourself to the strum of a guitar or the sway of a harmonica. The familiar words wash over you and for a moment the world stops. I'm not a musician but I can safely say that I feel the music in my bones.
Maybe the rest of you aren't as fanatical as I am.
Today started out well enough. It was raining all day which never bothers me. The rain is comforting to me. Work was busy but manageable. This coming week is going to be a good one. Much goings on which I will describe later. I think my eating was under some control. I didn't count my points exactly but I didn't eat crap either. I wish I could say that I was nervous about going back to WW this week but I'm not. I know whatever happens I will deal with it. I'm not sure why I feel so blah.
Okay that's a slight lie. I'm having issues accepting the long road ahead. I have a very impulsive nature. This often leads to impatience. I don't mean to be impatient, it just happens. Keeping the strength to push for something so precious is really exhausting. (Husband would probably call me a broken record right about now.) I know what I want and I feel like I've been working my entire life to get it but it's always just out of reach. I want to know why I can't be content with what I have. I'm grateful for all the blessings in my life but there's always a little whisper in my heart that says "what about this?" It changes at the different stages of my life. It was being old enough to drive, then graduating high school, waiting for my boyfriend to propose, then patiently waiting the year and a half for our wedding. Buying a house, finding a job, lose 100 pounds, waiting to afford the ridiculously shiny iPhone. Becoming a mom. Etc. Do we stare so much at the future we can't wait to get to that we forget to live every moment? Am I going to achieve every single thing ever and still wish for more? Am I that selfish?!!
After letting my mind run a couple laps on the crazy track, I decided to turn to music. It works every time. Life seemed to stop spinning and I could get a grip. I think I'm going to trust my heart to fate. If things I dream of are meant to be then they will happen in their own time. I can't control everything and the more I try the more I freak myself out. It goes against my "go with the flow" attitude.
I better charge my iPod. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
4.17.2012
Civil Duties
Tomorrow I take on one of the responsibilities of being an American citizen...jury duty.
Is it awful that I'm praying to not get picked? I'm actually very annoyed that I have to spend my entire day off at the court house. I spent quite a few of my youngin' days at the court house and ever since I have not been fond of them. No, I was not a juvenile delinquent. My Mom was a court reporter and occasionally I would go to work with her. For those of you not familiar with court personnel, a court reporter (technically stenographer) is the person listening to court proceedings and writing it verbatim in short hand.
As a young whippersnapper, I thought Mom's job was easy. She can type wicked fast and all she had to do was listen to people. When she retired last year I really thought about her job. She had to sit for hours, listening to multiple people and recording every single word or sound. Every thing that happened in the court room was her responsibility. No daydreaming, no taking a break whenever you felt like it. Also she had to be able to read back on the spot, in short hand no less! I had to take a transcription class and I was able to get most of the translation right, with furious rewinding/forwarding. I can't imagine doing it in real time.
Not to mention the content she had to record. Some trials were your run of the mill stuff. Then there were murder trials. These trials were especially long and tedious. No doubt Mom could tell horrific tales if she wanted to.
I always found the court house to be a slightly interesting, creepy place. Mom's office had a window, with a great view of the jail across the street. Eating my lunch and being able to see the jailbirds sitting in the windows with their orange jumpsuits was always a strange experience. There was always someone new to meet. Sheriff's officers, clerks, court reporters, secretaries, and judges. The secretaries were always really nice and let me use their loud typewriters. Judges had to be respected and were a pretty big deal. Some were friendly, some not. The sheriff's officers always identified me by my mother. However, no matter who they were there would always be the inevitable, "I haven't seen you since you were a baby!!"
One of the downsides of her profession was that I could not get in touch with her always. While most kids have one phone number to remember, I had an index card. This card was a long list of contacts who I could call to track Mom down and pass on a message. She had break times and a voicemail but most of life's needs don't always fall in those times. If I had to track her down I at least wanted the message to be important.
As I catch up on my reading tomorrow and wait for the end of the day, I'm sure I'll be thinking of all these memories. I have to hand it to Mom, she made a difficult job look easy.
Is it awful that I'm praying to not get picked? I'm actually very annoyed that I have to spend my entire day off at the court house. I spent quite a few of my youngin' days at the court house and ever since I have not been fond of them. No, I was not a juvenile delinquent. My Mom was a court reporter and occasionally I would go to work with her. For those of you not familiar with court personnel, a court reporter (technically stenographer) is the person listening to court proceedings and writing it verbatim in short hand.
As a young whippersnapper, I thought Mom's job was easy. She can type wicked fast and all she had to do was listen to people. When she retired last year I really thought about her job. She had to sit for hours, listening to multiple people and recording every single word or sound. Every thing that happened in the court room was her responsibility. No daydreaming, no taking a break whenever you felt like it. Also she had to be able to read back on the spot, in short hand no less! I had to take a transcription class and I was able to get most of the translation right, with furious rewinding/forwarding. I can't imagine doing it in real time.
Not to mention the content she had to record. Some trials were your run of the mill stuff. Then there were murder trials. These trials were especially long and tedious. No doubt Mom could tell horrific tales if she wanted to.
I always found the court house to be a slightly interesting, creepy place. Mom's office had a window, with a great view of the jail across the street. Eating my lunch and being able to see the jailbirds sitting in the windows with their orange jumpsuits was always a strange experience. There was always someone new to meet. Sheriff's officers, clerks, court reporters, secretaries, and judges. The secretaries were always really nice and let me use their loud typewriters. Judges had to be respected and were a pretty big deal. Some were friendly, some not. The sheriff's officers always identified me by my mother. However, no matter who they were there would always be the inevitable, "I haven't seen you since you were a baby!!"
One of the downsides of her profession was that I could not get in touch with her always. While most kids have one phone number to remember, I had an index card. This card was a long list of contacts who I could call to track Mom down and pass on a message. She had break times and a voicemail but most of life's needs don't always fall in those times. If I had to track her down I at least wanted the message to be important.
As I catch up on my reading tomorrow and wait for the end of the day, I'm sure I'll be thinking of all these memories. I have to hand it to Mom, she made a difficult job look easy.
4.06.2012
Goodness...
It's April! When did that happen?
I'm happy to say that I am down 16.5 pounds. Pretty awesome right? It doesn't seem like much to me but I can't help giggle when I tell people and their eyes almost bug out of their heads! It helps my ego a bit to hear "WOW, that is so great!" Shallow, I know! There were two weeks when I only lost 0.8 and I wanted to flip. It's annoying to be so close to a full pound and yet so far.
Now that April is here I can't wait to walk every where. I try to take a walk every day. That definitely doesn't happen. Some nights I get home at 7:30 pm and all I want to do is eat dinner and be a couch potato. I've been a slacker this week but let's face it, there's always a week that is hellish and work seems never ending. I'm happy that I made it through and so did my exhausted hubby. Every day is a new day right?
I'm tempted to start a vegetable garden this year. (Have you seen the price of gas lately?) However, one thing makes me hesitate. I don't like to dig in the dirt. Now, I love flowers and gardens but I prefer to take the supervisory role as my husband does the actual digging and weeding. I'm pretty sure this hesitation comes from my absolute loathing of insects.
I keep my distance from any thing that buzzes and/or creepy crawls, and by distance I mean screaming and running like there is no tomorrow. I also think we have a bunny in the neighborhood and I don't want him stealing my veggies. (I know there's fencing but we all know they manage to find a way.) Although, he is a cute little fluffer.
I hope I can get myself back on track with my exercise. My birthday is in a few weeks and I'll be seeing a bunch of family and friends. It would make my year if I could show them that I have changed. If I broke 20 pounds before my birthday maybe I would have more confidence.
I know my family and friends love me. But, there's always that little nagging fear of what they say when you're not around. (That sounds awful but I guess we all have our obnoxious self-conscious moments.)
I'm happy to say that I am down 16.5 pounds. Pretty awesome right? It doesn't seem like much to me but I can't help giggle when I tell people and their eyes almost bug out of their heads! It helps my ego a bit to hear "WOW, that is so great!" Shallow, I know! There were two weeks when I only lost 0.8 and I wanted to flip. It's annoying to be so close to a full pound and yet so far.
Now that April is here I can't wait to walk every where. I try to take a walk every day. That definitely doesn't happen. Some nights I get home at 7:30 pm and all I want to do is eat dinner and be a couch potato. I've been a slacker this week but let's face it, there's always a week that is hellish and work seems never ending. I'm happy that I made it through and so did my exhausted hubby. Every day is a new day right?
I'm tempted to start a vegetable garden this year. (Have you seen the price of gas lately?) However, one thing makes me hesitate. I don't like to dig in the dirt. Now, I love flowers and gardens but I prefer to take the supervisory role as my husband does the actual digging and weeding. I'm pretty sure this hesitation comes from my absolute loathing of insects.
I keep my distance from any thing that buzzes and/or creepy crawls, and by distance I mean screaming and running like there is no tomorrow. I also think we have a bunny in the neighborhood and I don't want him stealing my veggies. (I know there's fencing but we all know they manage to find a way.) Although, he is a cute little fluffer.
I hope I can get myself back on track with my exercise. My birthday is in a few weeks and I'll be seeing a bunch of family and friends. It would make my year if I could show them that I have changed. If I broke 20 pounds before my birthday maybe I would have more confidence.
I know my family and friends love me. But, there's always that little nagging fear of what they say when you're not around. (That sounds awful but I guess we all have our obnoxious self-conscious moments.)
2.22.2012
(Insert Witty Subject Line Here)
I am too frustrated to think of an awesome subject name for this post.
I shouldn't say frustrated. I think a more appropriate word would be disappointed. Last week I was up to 12.5 pounds (or should I say down?). But this week nothing. Nada. Zip. I'm exactly the same. Now, I know what everyone will say. "At least you didn't gain anything." I know. I know. But even the most optimistic of people have to admit that it just sucks.
The whole situation is also annoying because even though the scale is showing a loss, your mind does not see it. The only other noticeable sign that I lost 12 pounds is one pair of shoes fit much better. So the weight comes out of my feet? Are you freaking kidding me? It's weeks like this that make me crazy! I like to think I have an abundance of patience but this is really hard.
I'm not sure what exactly happened this week. I thought I was on track, maybe I wasn't? However, I'm going to try something new. Instead of freaking out and brooding about what I did wrong, I am just going to start fresh. I think my Mom said it best. "Don't get discouraged because that's when things start to go wrong." It's not easy trying to rise above this crap but no matter what happens I'm still heading in the right direction.
Other than having lighter feet, I've been at my new job for almost a month. How fast did that go? This job came at the right time. So far this year, four babies are on the way and my best friend got engaged! It seems that everyone is having a life changing year. People keep asking me when we're going to have a baby. I'd like to get a nice figure before I lose it!
I shouldn't say frustrated. I think a more appropriate word would be disappointed. Last week I was up to 12.5 pounds (or should I say down?). But this week nothing. Nada. Zip. I'm exactly the same. Now, I know what everyone will say. "At least you didn't gain anything." I know. I know. But even the most optimistic of people have to admit that it just sucks.
The whole situation is also annoying because even though the scale is showing a loss, your mind does not see it. The only other noticeable sign that I lost 12 pounds is one pair of shoes fit much better. So the weight comes out of my feet? Are you freaking kidding me? It's weeks like this that make me crazy! I like to think I have an abundance of patience but this is really hard.
I'm not sure what exactly happened this week. I thought I was on track, maybe I wasn't? However, I'm going to try something new. Instead of freaking out and brooding about what I did wrong, I am just going to start fresh. I think my Mom said it best. "Don't get discouraged because that's when things start to go wrong." It's not easy trying to rise above this crap but no matter what happens I'm still heading in the right direction.
Other than having lighter feet, I've been at my new job for almost a month. How fast did that go? This job came at the right time. So far this year, four babies are on the way and my best friend got engaged! It seems that everyone is having a life changing year. People keep asking me when we're going to have a baby. I'd like to get a nice figure before I lose it!
2.09.2012
A Reason.
I can officially say that I lost 10 pounds. 10 hard earned pounds. It took four weeks but I reached a small milestone.
I am really happy to have lost 10. That would be 2.5 pounds a week without joining a gym, exercising at home and following weight watchers. Some moments I am so happy and so proud that I can't stop smiling. I know that if I really focus and step up the exercise maybe I can surprise myself. Maybe I can double that number in another four weeks. There are some people who can't do that. I am one of the people who can.
But then comes that ever so charming negative part of my personality. After a while I thought, "Well, maybe that is not good enough." When I think about how long I have to go, 10 pounds seemed like nothing. I really want to kick that damn train of thought. I want to be different. I crave the person I will become in the future. I imagine that girl who is thinner, confident, pretty and healthier. I want to be her so badly that I almost want to push myself too hard. I'm noticing that I always push myself too hard so that it is easier to give up. How do I fix that? Does that even make sense?
I have a tendency to beat myself up for not being the best of the best. There's always a push to do more, give more, be more. Sometimes I feel like I have to be superwoman. It is exhausting. I'm exhausted of thinking I am never enough. I'm sick of worrying that I don't live up to other people's expectations.
Now, let me tell you a little story. Bear with me through this tangent....
Here I was feeling like my 10 pounds was not enough and feeling down. I'm sitting on the couch watching one of my favorite Biggest Loser seasons on Netflix. (Cheesy but I forgot just how much I loved this show. It's really inspiring.) Out of the corner of my eye I see my wedding ring has spun around. I move to fix it and notice my engagement ring is loose also. For the past year my engagement ring has been tight. On a few occasions it has been stuck on my finger for days until I could stand to pry it off. I don't know what made me do it but I start taking the rings off. Wedding ring comes off no problem. Engagement ring comes off no problem. I'm staring at the rings in my hand and suddenly it hits me....
10 pounds lost. This is my sign. This is my reason for going through all of this.
This is my first major sign that my hard work really is something to be proud of. Right now it's a ring. The next time I could go down a dress size. Even though I see the same person in the mirror, she's slowly changing. I am different, one baby step at a time.
Screw other people's expectations. This is me, doing what I can to be happy.
I am really happy to have lost 10. That would be 2.5 pounds a week without joining a gym, exercising at home and following weight watchers. Some moments I am so happy and so proud that I can't stop smiling. I know that if I really focus and step up the exercise maybe I can surprise myself. Maybe I can double that number in another four weeks. There are some people who can't do that. I am one of the people who can.
But then comes that ever so charming negative part of my personality. After a while I thought, "Well, maybe that is not good enough." When I think about how long I have to go, 10 pounds seemed like nothing. I really want to kick that damn train of thought. I want to be different. I crave the person I will become in the future. I imagine that girl who is thinner, confident, pretty and healthier. I want to be her so badly that I almost want to push myself too hard. I'm noticing that I always push myself too hard so that it is easier to give up. How do I fix that? Does that even make sense?
I have a tendency to beat myself up for not being the best of the best. There's always a push to do more, give more, be more. Sometimes I feel like I have to be superwoman. It is exhausting. I'm exhausted of thinking I am never enough. I'm sick of worrying that I don't live up to other people's expectations.
Now, let me tell you a little story. Bear with me through this tangent....
Here I was feeling like my 10 pounds was not enough and feeling down. I'm sitting on the couch watching one of my favorite Biggest Loser seasons on Netflix. (Cheesy but I forgot just how much I loved this show. It's really inspiring.) Out of the corner of my eye I see my wedding ring has spun around. I move to fix it and notice my engagement ring is loose also. For the past year my engagement ring has been tight. On a few occasions it has been stuck on my finger for days until I could stand to pry it off. I don't know what made me do it but I start taking the rings off. Wedding ring comes off no problem. Engagement ring comes off no problem. I'm staring at the rings in my hand and suddenly it hits me....
10 pounds lost. This is my sign. This is my reason for going through all of this.
This is my first major sign that my hard work really is something to be proud of. Right now it's a ring. The next time I could go down a dress size. Even though I see the same person in the mirror, she's slowly changing. I am different, one baby step at a time.
Screw other people's expectations. This is me, doing what I can to be happy.
2.06.2012
Four Weeks
This week is my fourth week at WW. I'm not sure what this week will hold but I'll find out on Wednesday. Nervous? Maybe a little. But as I sit and wonder what will happen I can't help but ask myself...why is this so hard?
It seems like such a simple thing to do. Eat right. Exercise. Move on. There are days where it is that simple. It doesn't bother me that I'm on this path. It feels good. This year when I see the diet adds or promos for gyms I don't have that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can confidently say that I am finally doing something. I don't have to lie to myself anymore. I can set myself free.
Because I don't want to lie to myself I have to face the truth. I did this to myself. I let myself get lost over food. I never thought of food as an addiction. I used to scoff and say "Oh, what a cheap excuse." I don't scoff any longer. Food is most certainly an addiction and I found myself at the heart of it. I am not proud of this fact. It's painful and embarrassing. Who the hell gets addicted to food? It sneaks up on you. I knew I was addicted when I counted the number of times I walked into the kitchen to forage for food. I knew I was addicted when I thought of what I ate and how I tried to hide it. I turned to food to cope, to give me happiness when I needed it. I turned to food when I was lonely, angry or bored. It was delicious and satisfying for a short while. It was easier to eat than to stop and do something else. Afterwards I would feel sick with guilt and annoyance. If I had just taken a stand earlier my road would not be as long as it is now. However, it is what it is and I have to accept that. It's not normal to never want to look in a mirror. It's not normal to worry over what people will think when they see you. It's not normal for a 24 year old to be tired all the time. If I didn't stop now, I shudder to think of what the consequences would have been.
I watched "My 600lb Life" on TLC earlier this week. I cried so many times. I am no where near that weight (Thank GOD) but I could relate to certain parts. I can relate to mentally craving junk and practically tasting it, even though you know it's wrong. I can relate to being miserable about how you look and wanting to hide from the world. I know what it's like to see yourself at a large weight from years past and say "Wow I wasn't that fat" because your current weight is the biggest you've ever been. My heart broke a thousand times watching this show. It sounds dramatic, I know. But I'm at this crazy turning point in my life and I'm emotional and admitting things that I tried to push away. After watching this, it hit me like a ton of bricks...
I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
I can get to a place I want to be but I'll have to fight for it every single day. I have to find a balance to maintain so I never have to come to this dark place again. I want to have children, I want to wear my husbands t-shirts as pajamas, I want to feel sexy, I want to walk for hours and not sit down after 15 minutes. Children stick out most in my mind. I'll be 25 this year and my heart keeps whispering that soon I'll want to think about being a mom. I'll be devastated if I can't have children, especially if one of the reasons is self inflicted. I have a hunch that it's not going to be a walk in the park for me and the thought that it might never happen terrifies me.
All of these thoughts are flying around my mind. I can't explain why I'm so determined this time. I don't really know what's making it stick. Maybe I hit my bottom? I always knew in the back of my mind that I had to do something and no one could do it for me. I must have finally woken up. It seems to all fall into place. Four weeks is the longest I've ever gone and the fact that I still don't want to give up makes me feel like this is the real deal. I'll tell you one thing, I never want to see the worry in my family's eyes ever again. That cuts the most. I'm grateful to have a family that loves me that much but it's a soul shattering feeling to hear them cry. My heart drops whenever I hear "I'm so worried about you."
The road still seems long. I don't quite see the horizon but I know it's there. For now that's enough.
Here's to a good week.
It seems like such a simple thing to do. Eat right. Exercise. Move on. There are days where it is that simple. It doesn't bother me that I'm on this path. It feels good. This year when I see the diet adds or promos for gyms I don't have that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can confidently say that I am finally doing something. I don't have to lie to myself anymore. I can set myself free.
Because I don't want to lie to myself I have to face the truth. I did this to myself. I let myself get lost over food. I never thought of food as an addiction. I used to scoff and say "Oh, what a cheap excuse." I don't scoff any longer. Food is most certainly an addiction and I found myself at the heart of it. I am not proud of this fact. It's painful and embarrassing. Who the hell gets addicted to food? It sneaks up on you. I knew I was addicted when I counted the number of times I walked into the kitchen to forage for food. I knew I was addicted when I thought of what I ate and how I tried to hide it. I turned to food to cope, to give me happiness when I needed it. I turned to food when I was lonely, angry or bored. It was delicious and satisfying for a short while. It was easier to eat than to stop and do something else. Afterwards I would feel sick with guilt and annoyance. If I had just taken a stand earlier my road would not be as long as it is now. However, it is what it is and I have to accept that. It's not normal to never want to look in a mirror. It's not normal to worry over what people will think when they see you. It's not normal for a 24 year old to be tired all the time. If I didn't stop now, I shudder to think of what the consequences would have been.
I watched "My 600lb Life" on TLC earlier this week. I cried so many times. I am no where near that weight (Thank GOD) but I could relate to certain parts. I can relate to mentally craving junk and practically tasting it, even though you know it's wrong. I can relate to being miserable about how you look and wanting to hide from the world. I know what it's like to see yourself at a large weight from years past and say "Wow I wasn't that fat" because your current weight is the biggest you've ever been. My heart broke a thousand times watching this show. It sounds dramatic, I know. But I'm at this crazy turning point in my life and I'm emotional and admitting things that I tried to push away. After watching this, it hit me like a ton of bricks...
I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
I can get to a place I want to be but I'll have to fight for it every single day. I have to find a balance to maintain so I never have to come to this dark place again. I want to have children, I want to wear my husbands t-shirts as pajamas, I want to feel sexy, I want to walk for hours and not sit down after 15 minutes. Children stick out most in my mind. I'll be 25 this year and my heart keeps whispering that soon I'll want to think about being a mom. I'll be devastated if I can't have children, especially if one of the reasons is self inflicted. I have a hunch that it's not going to be a walk in the park for me and the thought that it might never happen terrifies me.
All of these thoughts are flying around my mind. I can't explain why I'm so determined this time. I don't really know what's making it stick. Maybe I hit my bottom? I always knew in the back of my mind that I had to do something and no one could do it for me. I must have finally woken up. It seems to all fall into place. Four weeks is the longest I've ever gone and the fact that I still don't want to give up makes me feel like this is the real deal. I'll tell you one thing, I never want to see the worry in my family's eyes ever again. That cuts the most. I'm grateful to have a family that loves me that much but it's a soul shattering feeling to hear them cry. My heart drops whenever I hear "I'm so worried about you."
The road still seems long. I don't quite see the horizon but I know it's there. For now that's enough.
Here's to a good week.
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