Two Faced

Today my sister-in-law asked me how I was doing, regarding my WW stuff etc. I had to think about it for a minute.

On one hand I feel pretty awesome. When I see the numbers on the scale go down I feel something stir in the depths of my chest. It's not fear or pain but a kind of peace and the urge to giggle. I can't fully explain how wonderful it is. I smile without thinking. I'm proud of what I have accomplished. I can almost feel my tension release and happiness wash over me. I have clarity and focus on my goals. It is a big bag of emotions. I can't speak for everyone, but those are some of the things I feel when I weigh in. Life feels amazing on those triumphant days. It's validation that all this struggle is not in vain. The right path is so easy to follow.

On the other hand I feel crippling anxiety and sadness. I convince myself each week that I have probably failed. I dread going to the scale and hardly breathe as I wait for my card back. With more success comes more pressure. What if I don't have a good week? What if I gain? What if, What if, What if. I have lived with heartbreak and zero confidence for so long that I almost cling to it so my hopes will not be smashed. The biggest design flaw in us humans is that it is easier to believe the negativity. It's easier to denigrate ourselves rather than believe we are worth it. I have to constantly fight a battle with myself breakfast, lunch, dinner and the time between.

How can I have such extreme feelings at the same time?

Sometimes I think I am a little too intense when I analyze this journey. I don't feel that extreme all the time. If I did I would no doubt need some sort of medication and would not be able to function. However, these emotions are on a permanent loop in my soul and it's exhausting. Some days I really do feel worthless. I feel ugly and stuck. My biggest problem is not always what to eat but how to heal the hurt so I won't eat.

During a conversation with my parents two weeks ago I told them, "Some days it's so simple. It's easy to do what you have to and eat right. Then other days it's just sucks." And it does suck folks. Every once in a while you really just want cheese fries, or whatever it is that your body is screaming for. Are the junk foods really that great? No. Maybe it's the mythical ideal of being "just like everyone else" and ordering that slice of pizza at three in the afternoon. We want to be "normal."

I struggle with this crap everyday. I feel like have done something terribly wrong. I feel embarrassed. It's incredibly hard to admit this. I don't strive to be "normal." I never have. I strive to feel worthy, happy and, honestly, pretty. My husband tells me everyday how beautiful and desirable I am. The sad thing is I never believe him. One day I want to believe him.

So as I think of all these emotions as I compose my text message, I managed to sum it up. This week has been good. I'm nervous about screwing things up and trying not let my low self esteem get the better of me. The saving grace of my life is that I have an out of this world support system. Immediately Sis reminded me that I am awesome, if I fall I can always pick up the pieces and start again and lastly she was always there for me. For now my happy side and sad side have to learn to play nice together. Perhaps in the future I will be one whole being instead of different pieces trying to come together.

Happy New Year!

Okay it's February. I've shamefully not kept up with my blogging. Shame on me!

Well, I have some exciting news. This week I have lost 2.8 pounds for a grand total of 21.6!! I can't believe I finally past the 20 pound mark! It feels absolutely wonderful.

I was really dreading going this morning. I always convince myself that I have gained weight. Thanks to my amazing husband for dragging me out of bed and dropping me off at the door. When I try to succumb to my doubt he pushes me up and out the door. Even though I despise early mornings on Saturdays it is a good safeguard for myself. If I go to a Saturday meeting, John will always make sure I follow through, despite my best efforts to persuade him otherwise.

Must run and celebrate now. Here's to a happy weekend!!