(Insert Witty Subject Line Here)

I am too frustrated to think of an awesome subject name for this post.

I shouldn't say frustrated. I think a more appropriate word would be disappointed. Last week I was up to 12.5 pounds (or should I say down?). But this week nothing. Nada. Zip. I'm exactly the same. Now, I know what everyone will say. "At least you didn't gain anything." I know. I know. But even the most optimistic of people have to admit that it just sucks.

The whole situation is also annoying because even though the scale is showing a loss, your mind does not see it. The only other noticeable sign that I lost 12 pounds is one pair of shoes fit much better. So the weight comes out of my feet? Are you freaking kidding me? It's weeks like this that make me crazy! I like to think I have an abundance of patience but this is really hard.

I'm not sure what exactly happened this week. I thought I was on track, maybe I wasn't? However, I'm going to try something new. Instead of freaking out and brooding about what I did wrong, I am just going to start fresh. I think my Mom said it best. "Don't get discouraged because that's when things start to go wrong." It's not easy trying to rise above this crap but no matter what happens I'm still heading in the right direction.
 
Other than having lighter feet, I've been at my new job for almost a month. How fast did that go? This job came at the right time. So far this year, four babies are on the way and my best friend got engaged! It seems that everyone is having a life changing year. People keep asking me when we're going to have a baby. I'd like to get a nice figure before I lose it!

A Reason.

I can officially say that I lost 10 pounds. 10 hard earned pounds. It took four weeks but I reached a small milestone.

I am really happy to have lost 10. That would be 2.5 pounds a week without joining a gym, exercising at home and following weight watchers. Some moments I am so happy and so proud that I can't stop smiling. I know that if I really focus and step up the exercise maybe I can surprise myself. Maybe I can double that number in another four weeks. There are some people who can't do that. I am one of the people who can.

But then comes that ever so charming negative part of my personality. After a while I thought, "Well, maybe that is not good enough." When I think about how long I have to go, 10 pounds seemed like nothing. I really want to kick that damn train of thought. I want to be different. I crave the person I will become in the future. I imagine that girl who is thinner, confident, pretty and healthier. I want to be her so badly that I almost want to push myself too hard. I'm noticing that I always push myself too hard so that it is easier to give up. How do I fix that? Does that even make sense?

I have a tendency to beat myself up for not being the best of the best. There's always a push to do more, give more, be more. Sometimes I feel like I have to be superwoman. It is exhausting. I'm exhausted of thinking I am never enough. I'm sick of worrying that I don't live up to other people's expectations.

Now, let me tell you a little story. Bear with me through this tangent....

Here I was feeling like my 10 pounds was not enough and feeling down. I'm sitting on the couch watching one of my favorite Biggest Loser seasons on Netflix. (Cheesy but I forgot just how much I loved this show. It's really inspiring.) Out of the corner of my eye I see my wedding ring has spun around. I move to fix it and notice my engagement ring is loose also. For the past year my engagement ring has been tight. On a few occasions it has been stuck on my finger for days until I could stand to pry it off. I don't know what made me do it but I start taking the rings off. Wedding ring comes off no problem. Engagement ring comes off no problem. I'm staring at the rings in my hand and suddenly it hits me....

10 pounds lost. This is my sign. This is my reason for going through all of this.

This is my first major sign that my hard work really is something to be proud of. Right now it's a ring. The next time I could go down a dress size. Even though I see the same person in the mirror, she's slowly changing. I am different, one baby step at a time.


Screw other people's expectations. This is me, doing what I can to be happy. 

Four Weeks

This week is my fourth week at WW. I'm not sure what this week will hold but I'll find out on Wednesday. Nervous? Maybe a little. But as I sit and wonder what will happen I can't help but ask myself...why is this so hard?

It seems like such a simple thing to do. Eat right. Exercise. Move on. There are days where it is that simple. It doesn't bother me that I'm on this path. It feels good. This year when I see the diet adds or promos for gyms I don't have that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can confidently say that I am finally doing something. I don't have to lie to myself anymore. I can set myself free.

Because I don't want to lie to myself I have to face the truth. I did this to myself. I let myself get lost over food. I never thought of food as an addiction. I used to scoff and say "Oh, what a cheap excuse." I don't scoff any longer. Food is most certainly an addiction and I found myself at the heart of it. I am not proud of this fact. It's painful and embarrassing. Who the hell gets addicted to food? It sneaks up on you. I knew I was addicted when I counted the number of times I walked into the kitchen to forage for food. I knew I was addicted when I thought of what I ate and how I tried to hide it. I turned to food to cope, to give me happiness when I needed it. I turned to food when I was lonely, angry or bored. It was delicious and satisfying for a short while. It was easier to eat than to stop and do something else. Afterwards I would feel sick with guilt and annoyance. If I had just taken a stand earlier my road would not be as long as it is now. However, it is what it is and I have to accept that. It's not normal to never want to look in a mirror. It's not normal to worry over what people will think when they see you. It's not normal for a 24 year old to be tired all the time. If I didn't stop now, I shudder to think of what the consequences would have been.

I watched "My 600lb Life" on TLC earlier this week. I cried so many times. I am no where near that weight (Thank GOD) but I could relate to certain parts. I can relate to mentally craving junk and practically tasting it, even though you know it's wrong. I can relate to being miserable about how you look and wanting to hide from the world. I know what it's like to see yourself at a large weight from years past and say "Wow I wasn't that fat" because your current weight is the biggest you've ever been. My heart broke a thousand times watching this show. It sounds dramatic, I know. But I'm at this crazy turning point in my life and I'm emotional and admitting things that I tried to push away. After watching this, it hit me like a ton of bricks...

I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

I can get to a place I want to be but I'll have to fight for it every single day. I have to find a balance to maintain so I never have to come to this dark place again. I want to have children, I want to wear my husbands t-shirts as pajamas, I want to feel sexy, I want to walk for hours and not sit down after 15 minutes. Children stick out most in my mind. I'll be 25 this year and my heart keeps whispering that soon I'll want to think about being a mom. I'll be devastated if I can't have children, especially if one of the reasons is self inflicted. I have a hunch that it's not going to be a walk in the park for me and the thought that it might never happen terrifies me.

All of these thoughts are flying around my mind. I can't explain why I'm so determined this time. I don't really know what's making it stick. Maybe I hit my bottom? I always knew in the back of my mind that I had to do something and no one could do it for me. I must have finally woken up. It seems to all fall into place. Four weeks is the longest I've ever gone and the fact that I still don't want to give up makes me feel like this is the real deal. I'll tell you one thing, I never want to see the worry in my family's eyes ever again. That cuts the most. I'm grateful to have a family that loves me that much but it's a soul shattering feeling to hear them cry. My heart drops whenever I hear "I'm so worried about you."

The road still seems long. I don't quite see the horizon but I know it's there. For now that's enough.

Here's to a good week.

She works hard for the money!

I love my new job. (Thank God).

Can you imagine if I hated my job after two days? After all that time searching?!

All kidding aside, I really do love the job. I'm slowly learning my responsibilities and the staff is incredibly nice/supportive. The entire office is electronic and that's my favorite part. Electronic medical records are the future but a lot of doctors haven't upgraded yet. (I don't blame them, electronic systems are scary expensive.) There was only one class that specifically dealt with this, so having an opportunity to work with a fully functioning electronic system is awesome! At heart I'm kind of a geek.

It's a weird feeling knowing that this is my "grown up" job and my school days are over. It's a bit hard to describe...a cross between amazing and surreal. There are times in your life where you think "this is it. I'm not a kid any more." I always assume that I'll never say that again. I moved out of my parents' house...adult status. I got married...adult status. I finished college...adult status. Now here it comes again! Starting a job in a field I'm actually trained for...adult status.

Will this be the last time I feel this way?  Probably not. 

Sunny Side of the Street....

I finally got a job!

My interview on Friday went really well and the position is mine! I can't describe how great I felt when I got the call. All my nervousness and annoyance just slowly faded away. Of course I won't make a ton of money because it's part time but it's a good job and it'll be a good boost. Ugh, I sound so practical! When did that happen?! I guess it's a part of growing up and being an adult.

I have to say that it added some sun to my week after only losing one pound. In retrospect, I've really lost seven pounds in two weeks, which is a big deal. But when I weighed in Monday I couldn't help but feel disappointed. No one said this was going to be easy right? It was really difficult for me not to give in to my emotions. I've always been an emotional eater, so breaking that habit is going to be a lifelong challenge. But I think in my heart I'm really dedicated to this change. I was able to get through Monday without breaking my promise (although I will admit that it was an especially long day). I stayed on course and wound up making a delicious dinner. It restores my faith in myself that I can control my impulses. Just admitting my faults is huge. I always know they're there, but actually facing them is a new, scary step, and half the battle.

So with a new job in sight, I've been on a mission to get as many activity points as possible this week. I want to keep moving. And, I'm trying two new recipes this week. One is weight watchers specific, the other was half mine and half Giada deLaurentiis.

I've watched Giada on and off throughout the past few years. I used to watch Everyday Italian with Mom all the time. I recently started watching Giada at Home and now I'm a little obsessed with it. I love watching people cook, it is really soothing and inspires me to get back in the kitchen. A lot of her recipes are full of veggies and with some minor tweaks I think they're Weight Watcher friendly. That was the case Monday night. I made my first attempt at stuffed peppers and they were delicious! I left out some bits of her recipe and added a few of my own and the result was awesome. It was full of power foods and had a decent point value.

How awesome do those bad boys look?

Tonight I'm trying the second recipe. All signs point to delicious. =)

Waiting.

I went on a job interview today for a small family practice. The office manager was nice and very methodical. It's part time but at this point in the game I'll take anything!

The interview went well (I think). I hate interviewing. I feel awkward the entire time. I've been coached on what to say and the questions are usually the same but I can never just act like myself. I'm so focused that it feels like I'm in a play and I've forgotten my lines. As I drive home, I replay the conversation in my head and cringe at the things I said or maybe forgot to say. I think the three months of no offers makes the feeling more intense. Especially during moments like this:

Office manager: Do you have any questions or concerns?
Me: (silence) Um, I don't think so.
(cricket noises)

AHHH. I've come to find that job hunting/interviewing is very much like dating. You spend hours getting ready, fixing your nails, hair and makeup, buying new dressy clothes, rehearsing conversations etc. You go out looking your best, trying to casually show your awesome bits, hoping you are charming the pants off of the interviewer. You're confident that you're making all the right moves. Then the absolute lowest part hits...

"You are a great prospect and we'll let you know about our decision."
This is the point where you wait, obsessing over a phone call that you might never get. The kiss of death.

When I got married, no scratch that, when I was dating my husband I thought my obsessive phone call days were over. Apparently I was wrong. Only one interviewer has ever called me back (to tell me that I was not getting the job, by the way). The others just never call back, leaving those jobs in nowhere land.

Okay, maybe this is a little imaginative but it's really hard not to take these rejections personally. It's getting even more difficult to stay optimistic.

Morning Frustrations

Looking for a job is one of my least favorite things to do.

I get really stressed when paying the bills. Being a single income household is tough, especially in this economic disaster. We have to budget every week for everything. It's exhausting having to plan every purchase and coordinate every financial move. To try and help me feel less frazzled, I keep trudging through the job listings but so far nothing.

I can't even explain how aggravating it is. I worked for so long to have this damn degree and I feel like it's useless. Especially when this degree was not my first choice! It was a "safe" option to get me a job that would be flexible and take a little pressure off the finances. My long term goal was to have this job and bulk up our savings so I would have more freedom to build up my Etsy shop and do more vintage/antique business with mom-in-law. The fact that three months have gone by with only dead end leads is leaving me very discouraged. So as I'm searching and stressing and budgeting I have to wonder when will it all end?

I think one morning of fruitless job searching is enough for one day. I'm at least grateful that we have money for bills, groceries and something frivolous every now and then. But one of these days I hope that I can catch a break.