Happy New Year!

Okay it's February. I've shamefully not kept up with my blogging. Shame on me!

Well, I have some exciting news. This week I have lost 2.8 pounds for a grand total of 21.6!! I can't believe I finally past the 20 pound mark! It feels absolutely wonderful.

I was really dreading going this morning. I always convince myself that I have gained weight. Thanks to my amazing husband for dragging me out of bed and dropping me off at the door. When I try to succumb to my doubt he pushes me up and out the door. Even though I despise early mornings on Saturdays it is a good safeguard for myself. If I go to a Saturday meeting, John will always make sure I follow through, despite my best efforts to persuade him otherwise.

Must run and celebrate now. Here's to a happy weekend!!

Feeling Good.

I lost a pound! After Thanksgiving!!

For once I must be doing something right. Yay for meeeee!

We give thanks.

Well my dears, Thanksgiving is only a mere day away. In many ways it is an awesome holiday. There are no presents to buy. No matter how old you are it is socially acceptable to sit in your pajamas and watch the parade, screaming when your favorite balloon strolls across the screen. We give thanks for the many blessings we have in life, thankful we made it through another year. Best of all, the entire day revolves around a massive feast!

That's the tricky part for us isn't it?

I'm excited to spend time with my family (mostly!), and looking forward to my favorite recipes. Mom makes AMAZING stuffing and to be honest, I could eat that alone and skip the rest and be totally happy. That's what worries me the most! This will be the first year I am actively watching what I eat. I've been saving my extra WW points for the week and have been making contingency plans. For example, instead of eating one of everything I may have to pass on certain items. I may have to choose between stuffing and mashed potatoes (lets face it, no contest! Mom's stuffing wins always). It may seem like a big deal on the day but I know if I don't try to stick with my plan I will only be depressed over the weekend and I really want to avoid all that mess. That's the kicker about this issue. It can feel so great to eat all that crap but later it feels so wrong and awful. It's like being an alcoholic I suppose.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot eat, the power to eat the things that I can and the wisdom to not mess that up...

I wish everyone who is struggling with food a peaceful Thanksgiving. I hope it's a wonderful day for just giving thanks. I hope no one ends up in a food coma, dreaming of apple and pumpkin pies.

On a side note, I'll be making pumpkin bread but I found a recipe that is WW compliant! I'm going to let unsuspecting people sample it and not tell them it's WW. When it's magnificent I'll enjoy watching their eyes pop when I say, "By the way..."

Back!

After a long hiatus I have decided to go back to Weight Watchers!

This is the first time ever that I have willingly decided to go back. And of course I pick the week of Thanksgiving to do it. That's either the greatest idea or the the absolute worst idea. The jury is still out...

I could write a novel on the reasons why I veered off track and what I've learned from that. But the hell with all that bull crap. I messed up, I let my emotions and food rule my life. Moving on. I tend to dwell on the past too much and when I do I never learn from my mistakes. I usually repeat them.

To celebrate my return to WW, I have decided to cook a new recipe each week. My dear Mom bought this book for me as a present a while ago....

So far I've tried two and they have turned out fabulous. I actually made the recipe that's on the cover and it was a big hit with the husband and his parents. If I can make a recipe from this book each week I think I can show my brain that even though I am tracking what I eat, it can be absolutely delicious. My brain, stomach and I always seem to disagree when it comes to food.

I really want to make it through this time. I am so tired of feeling the way I do.

On tonight's menu is chicken and dumplings! Fingers crossed it comes out lovely!

Moves like Jagger...

Unfortunately I've had to come to terms with the fact that I don't exercise enough, (big surprise). This weekend I've been trying to think of ways I can trick myself into exercising. You know it's a desperate situation when you have to trick your brain.

Friday night the hubs and I were watching one of my favorite movies Billy Elliot. This movie never fails to make me smile. English wit, violent riots and dancing wrapped into one! Billy inspired a genius plan. There's plenty of dancing videos circulating the universe and dance is a fun, musical form of exercise. Not to mention that I love to dance! I found two "Dance off the Inches" (awful names) on Netflix and decided to give them a shot. I had images of loving my new form of exercise racing in my mind as I fell asleep.

Saturday was the day. I was frustrated after learning I gained 0.4 for the week and had a morning of crying to my mother and Johnny. I cleared a space in the living room and made absolutely sure husband would not watch me at all. I fired up the t.v. and had my work out clothes on. (I use the term "work out clothes" very loosely.) The music was cheesy, elevator samba music and of course the leading woman was skinny as anything plus annoyingly chipper. However, I set my judgement aside. This was going to be the day of change. (Insert gleam of the eye.)

This was my expectation:

Aaaaaand this was the reality:

and this:

Oh it was brutal.

It was only my first time trying it but I felt so ridiculous. My feet would not move the way I wanted them to. I'm pretty sure I was just moving any random way I could. I was sweating (which is technically a good thing because it means I was actually doing something) and I kept pausing/rewinding. I managed to get through 30 minutes before I just had enough. John was really proud of me for trying something new but I did not feel proud at all. I felt...well, I'm not totally sure. Moody I suppose. I've known from birth that dance wasn't one of my strongest skills but I didn't really care. I love it even if it doesn't love me but my experiment didn't really end so well. Although I do have to admit that I felt a little energized that afternoon.

Now it's Sunday and I'm starting to understand that it's not about getting the steps right. It's about me getting out of my comfort zone and pushing myself when I normally wouldn't. If I stick with it, who knows where it will lead me? One day of light exercise and I feel Yoda-esque.

I just hope that after a week I will stop looking like this...

Take these broken wings and learn to fly....

I love the song "Blackbird" by my buddies the Beatles. "Take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life you were only waiting for this moment to arrive." 

Don't we all feel that way a bit? I think every person at one point of time feels like they have broken wings. Some days it seems like these wings will never fly again. Trying to put my struggles into perspective leads me to believe that "broken" is a very strong word.

Today was strange. It wasn't a nightmare but it wasn't a happy day either. I really was struggling with not eating whatever I could forage from the kitchen. There were some big stresses today and I just didn't want to deal with them. I can't really explain what I was dealing with here. A lot of it wasn't my own stress but trying to be there for someone who is also struggling with change. It's not easy to be strong for others when you feel like you can't even be that for yourself. When you play around with a mood like that for long enough, it's inevitable you get to a pretty self-pitying place.

"I'm broken." That's what we want to think. We want to believe that we'll never change, we are these cracked shells that can never be whole. I felt like a failure. I want to be wonder woman and fix everything. I want to protect my loved ones, be super strong and make awesome decisions. I definitely wasn't wonder woman today and I just wanted to cry. When I feel like a failure I just want to eat. And eat. And eat.

However, I managed to (sort of) pull it together.

I work in the medical field. I see a range of people who deal with a plethora of issues. I've seen people who are truly broken and will never have the life I have. I've seen people who have serious conditions and manage to be the most pleasant patients you will ever meet. It's so easy to be consumed by our own problems that we forget that there are worse things in the world.

I know you are probably rolling your eyes at the slightly cheesy sentiment but sometimes the cheesiest of messages are nothing but true. It's late on a Tuesday to be philosophical but humor me this once will you?

 I'm really nervous to go to WW tomorrow but part of life is facing fears. If I can face my fear than maybe someone else can do the same. One of the best things we can do is lead by good example. Some times it's the only thing we can do. I once read that success was built on failure, frustration and catastrophe. If that is true than I am in for really mind blowing success.

Keep flying.


*Note*
Shout out to my sister for encouraging text messages.

To the person who is also having a hard time dealing. We'll make it through, I promise.

Lust for Life

I'm so glad I went back to WW today. I was tempted to run away because I was convinced I had gained 5 pounds.

 I had lost 2.2 pounds for a total of 18.6.

Pays not to run like a coward, am I right?!

Today I am going to listen to Iggy Pop and dance shamelessly. I think I deserve it.